Honestly

What you see: a smile
What I feel: defeat

What you hear: "we'll see"
What I feel: hopeless

What you see: perseverance
What I feel: exhaustion

What you hear: "it's going okay..."
What I feel: "what is going on Lord?"

What you hear: "Wow, that's amazing! God has really provided for you."
What I feel: "Have you forgotten me Lord? What am I doing wrong?"

Do I dare tell people how I really feel? When I am brutally honest with someone, I sometimes feel like I've stepped over some invisible line. I've gone too far. There are so many real crisis in the world right now, after all. How selfish it is to whine about my puny problems. And it's true. This is not how I want to respond, and sometimes I scold myself for even thinking such things. But when is it okay to stop pretending? When does the mask come off? Doesn't it have to come off at some point so that when the victory comes, you know it can only be from God. I'm not the first person to speculate on this subject. One of my new favorite songs written by Vota explores the same subject:

Honestly can I tell you where I'm at
Honestly can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am

If you don't see the real me you won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness you won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Honestly

Honestly I'm growing sick and tired
Honestly it hurts too much to hide
Brokenness that's killing us inside

Let the light escape
From these holes inside my soul
When I start to break
Then grace begins to flow
Let the light escape
From this wounded place inside my soul
Honestly

Only grace can make something out of nothing. So here I am Lord. I'm not proud of the state of my heart right now. I confess to You my jealousy, pride, bitterness, selfishness, and unbelief. I need an internal makeover Lord. I ask You to create a new work in my heart. Teach me to love, to trust that You really do care, and that You know what You're doing. I give myself up to You Lord., You're my only hope.

"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me." Psalm 40:11-12.

Holy Unrest

Tonight I listened to a woman share her story about her journey to adopt a little girl from China. It was real, it was profound, it was timely... and it prompted all sorts of thoughts that are about to spill out onto this page, so get ready. (Thanks Rachelle!)

Rachelle talked about this thing that began as a small prick, and turned into a flood of confirmation that this was what God was prompting her to do. But it seemed larger than life. She shared her honest struggle to understand whether this was God's will or not. As God confirmed over and over again that it was, she wrestled with Him and finally, along with her family, began taking small steps in the direction she felt God was leading her. Today, Ellie Grace is a member of their family. You really need to go to her blog to read the real story, it's so much better than that brief snapshot. To get a clearer picture check out the archives at

http://surrenderingtogodsgiftofelliegrace.blogspot.com

I was so moved by her story that I struggled to keep my tears to a minimum as she shared. What God prompted her to do seemed pretty big to me. It was something she was sure she couldn't do. But God kept after her, showed her the steps to take, and He did something incredible through this family that was willing to take the step.

I still don't quite know how explain it all, I just know that something was/is going on in my soul and I have to try. I have to try to get it out, because it hurts to keep it in. When I heard Rachelle talking about doing this thing that seemed larger than life to her, I felt like something was welling up within me. I began to wonder if I'm limiting God in the the way I'm living my life, the choices I'm making, the things I dream about.

"Be intentional with your life,” she said at the end of her story. I feel pulled in so many different directions, I'm not even really sure exactly what God wants me to do. Nevertheless, I was so moved I had to go to the bathroom and take a few deep breaths to get my composure back. I stood in the stall with my Kleenex, praying silently, “I'm trying Lord. I want to follow You. I feel the tug to DO something... I just don't know exactly what or where.” As she talked, I thought about all the things that keep coming to the surface when I think about how I want to live my life. I thought about missions, missionary documentary work, writing, one year intensive mission programs, and most of all, about pursuing growth intentionally... pursuing God's purposes intentionally.

At one point as Rachelle was wrestling with whether it was God's will for them or not to adopt this little girl she wondered, why wouldn't changing this little person's life for eternity be God's will? My heart was burning within me, to do something more with my life, something that will last. To move beyond the status quo. Now the tears are coming again as I think about it. I'm not saying any of these things I'm thinking about are more spiritual than someone who feels called to be a doctor or a secretary or a musician. What I'm saying is, what if He is calling me to do something “bigger” (or maybe just different) and I am ignoring the tug because it seems unrealistic? Sometimes I wonder if I am limiting God in the way I think.

Those of you who know me probably recognize this fit of restlessness and questions that I seem to lapse into on a fairly regular basis, and you probably dread being around me when I get into such a state. But this is something I feel like I need to wrestle through. Why? Because this “state” keeps coming back. It doesn't seem to go away, and I'm starting to think maybe I should pay attention to it.

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet to lose or forfeit his very self. If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:23-26

Lord I want to follow You. Help me understand where You want me. Help me understand how to intentionally pursue You. I don't want to live my whole life as the seed that fell among the thorns and did not mature because I let the distractions of life choke me to death. I'm afraid that will be the story of my life, unless You teach me how to live intentionally. I want to know. I want to know how to know You, and how to live my life as if I am not ashamed. I want to live unafraid, to be willing to let go of my life to find it. I don't want to miss the point. If this holy unrest is from You, show me what to do with it. If not, show me what You want me to do, and give me courage to take the first step. Thank you for men and women who go before us and show us what it means to live with courage.

The Big Picture

His name was Elijah. He lived during the height of Israel's rebellion against God, and under the reign of the man who introduced the worship of Baal to the people of Judah. (The same king that married Jezebel, a name that has been synonomous with evil to this day.) Everything about Elijah, even the meaning of his name -“My God is Yahweh,”- was a strong statement of defiance against these rulers who had stolen the hearts of the very people Yahweh had delivered from Egypt a few hundred years earlier.

I recently jumped into the middle of a Bible Study with some friends who are reading through the whole Bible together, beginning in Genesis and working their way through one book at a time. I came in around 1 Samuel, not sure what to expect. It's been in familiar teritory for the most part. I've heard these stories since I was a kid. I confess, on my own I rarely choose to spend serious time in the Old Testament, usually preffering to get my “quick fix” in the New Testament, Psalms, or Proverbs. (Ouch, revealing how shallow I really am at times.) But tonight, I feel like I am slowly beginning to understand the bigger picture.

Of course, the New Testament contains so many incredible truths that form the cornerstone of our faith. If it weren't for the New Testament, I would still be without hope and without God in this world. But when I treat it as part of a whole and not just an isolated book, it is even more incredible.

As I reflected on our reading tonight, I was struck by several things. Elijah's life, and of course his most famous showdown with the 450 prophets of Baal (check it out, 1 Kings 18:20-45,) I was struck by the fact that this is not just a “cool Bible story” about a “cool Bible character” that we should try to be like. (Often how I approach my own time in the Word I think.) It is so much bigger than that. Everything about Elijah's life was evidence that not only, “my God is Yahweh,” but, “Yahweh is God.”

In spite of the fact that weather was supposedly his specialty, Baal clearly did not bring an end to the famine in the land. He couldn't make it rain either. Yet God (Yahweh) instructed ravens to feed Elijah, and opened or closed the floodgates of heaven when he prayed. But this story is not really about this amazing man of God, who actually runs for his life a short time after his victory over the false prophets. This story is one more thread of the intricate and beautifull design that makes up the masterpiece of God's Word, all of which continually declares the same message,

“Yahweh is God.”

Over and over again the author of 1 Kings records promises made by God, either for gracious blessing (which no one really deserved) or for just punishment. The phrase, “according to the word of the Lord,” occurs frequently in this book, connecting events to earlier promises made by God as they occur. The more you read, the more you realize, this God is for real. The things that He is communicating, through whoever His spokesperson is at that point in history, are being fulfilled over and over.

And this is just what I've noticed in one or two “chapters” of this ongoing story. The more I read, the more I stand in awe of the intricacy of the bigger picture. I am frustrated with my words tonight because I feel like they aren't really communicating what is so excitng to me.

I guess what I'm really excited about is that I feel like I had one of those rare moments tonight when I was able to see God's Word with fresh eyes. I was able to see it for what it really is, and I am beginning to realize how those moments change me. It is as if I get a glimpse of God's face when I step back long enough to really reflect on what the text says about Him and how he has been working from eternity past, rather than making everything about me. I suppose that's really a simple idea... but somehow it seemed revolutionary to me tonight. Tonight I am more aware that His wisdom, grace, love, and power ooze from every page in this incredible book. And it all builds to one glorious crescendo, “But now, a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:21-24.

I feel like I just tried to describe what it feels like to watch the sunrise over the Grand Canyon, or jump out of an airplane at 10,000 feet, or hold your newborn child in your arms. There are some things you just have to experience to understand. This is one of them. Don't take my words for it. Read it yourself... even if you've read it before. Try grabbing a friend and reading through it together, discussing it and reading it as if for the first time. Take a chance. You may be surprised what you find.

Lord, may we continue on this journey one step at a time, exploring new and unknown territory, expanding the reservoirs of our faith, and widening our soul to soak in more of this incredible grace: that we may truly know You... and that knowing You our lives would never be the same.

“The unfolding of your word gives light; it gives understanding to the simple,” Psalm 119:130

“Your promises have been thoroughly tested, and your servant loves them.” Psalm 119:140

I've been thinking...

I've made several decisions over the past few weeks that have left me feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability can be a scary thing. Often it brings other things in my life to the surface that otherwise remain safely tucked away. Something big came to the surface this weekend when I stepped out of my comfort zone. As I prepared to leave for Arkansas for homecoming weekend, I felt unusually uneasy.

As I tried to figure out what was bothering me, I finally realized, "I have nothing to offer to my friends right now. Nothing to show, nothing to give... it's just me." And then the much deeper fear came popping up like a beach ball that's been contained under water too long. "Will they still want to see me? Will they still love me even if I have nothing to give?" I know this seems ridiculous. It certainly did to me when I finally articulated the thought. But the fear was still there. I dug through Scripture my first night there, reading passage after passage about what God says about me.

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..."
"You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you,"

And as I read the words over and over, it hit me... I didn't believe they were true of me. The more I understood the implications of my thinking, the more I knew it needed to change. This is a big deal. I don't believe the same God who put away His glory and put on one of our mud bodies and died for me actually loves me? If I don't believe that, where does that leave me? How can I ask God for direction, how can I even go on without being sure of this? And if I'm not sure, how can I possibly love anyone else?

That night I cried out to God, "I don't know how to deal with this, but I know it needs to change. I can't do life without your direction and support, and I can't handle something like this standing in the way."

As I ask God to change my heart and mind, I realize how much I am like the Israelites, who wandered in the dessert for 40 years. To both of us the Holy Spirit says, "Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me and for forty years saw what I did." Hebrews 3:9

Forty years of watching God work! And still they did not believe. "See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God." Hebrews 3:12.

How have I seen God work in my life? What have I forgotten that I need to remember?

I've been reading through my old journals... especially my journal of Ireland. That trip was one of the greatest pictures to me of God's incredible, ridiculous love. It came at such a crucial time of life, when my heart was full of questions, doubts, and uncertainties. And into the midst of that, God spoke.

In the delicate and glorious beauty of thousands of roses, a glimpse of the heart of their Creator.
In the crashing of waves against the jagged cliffs, covered in a soft blanket of green.
In a solitary lighthouse on that cliff, a visual reminder to fix my eyes on Christ when my world is dark.
In unbelievable reminders of His glory, even magnificent man made cathedrals, designed to keep your eyes fixed heavenward.
And most of all, through His people. Living reminders of redemption. I remember thinking at times, "Is this really happening? This is so over the top. This is so much more than I could ever expect." And it hasn't stopped there. He is still exceeding my expectations.

I know my thoughts have been kind of all over the place in this post, but this is really what it all comes back to for me. As I realize what God has done in my life because of Christ, and how much I don't deserve it, I am left with nothing to say except, "Who am I, O Sovereign LORD... that you have brought me this far?" 2 Samuel 7:18. I am reminded once again that I stand before God only in grace. I have nothing to offer. This emptiness is the whole basis of my original acceptance before Him, and it is still by no action or merit of my own that I continue to stand in that favor, in that love. It is only because of Christ. I am still working to understand how this truth works out in everyday life, one painful step at a time. Some days it's easier than others. I don't know where you are, but wherever it is please don't stop asking the questions. Don't assume that because you are having a hard time believing something right now that that it's not true. Please don't give up. Keep seeking, keep asking... and God will find you.

"Therefore he (Jesus) is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them," Hebrews 7:25.

Father I do believe... help my unbelief. As a friend recently prayed for me, would you identify us. Apart from any job, relationship, or anything we do or give. Identify us as your own in Christ, and set us free to love each other, because you have loved us with such a ridiculous, extravagant love.

Learning to Breathe

Some days it's just too much.

The reminder that the world is not as it should be surrounds us everyday, like smoke from a fire creeping up to steal our oxygen and choke us to death.

It comes gradually. We become accustomed to its presence and it almost seems normal to us. Almost.

The news of an illness, the loss of a job, or a family that has been ripped apart by addiction.

Silence where there should be words, shouts where there should be kind words, anger or neglect where there should be love.

If we don't see it around us, it's easy to find it in ourselves. Selfishness, bitterness, anxiety... what happened to love, joy, and peace?

Everywhere I turn I am reminded of how much we lose when we choose to be our own god, to decide for ourselves what is good. Isn't it interesting that the original sin doesn't seem so bad when you isolate the act itself? She was just eating a piece of fruit, right? What's the big deal? That's what Eve thought too, and life has never been the same. God is the One who defines what is good, and He knew what was coming.

Some days the continued consequences of that choice (and our own choices) are stifling. Sometimes it feels too painful to deal with, and all I want to do is shut down. I want to cover my ears and shut my eyes tight, like a two year old who thinks they can hide from someone if they can't see them. But I know that's not the answer either.

These are the moments I am so keenly aware of the ache in my soul for something more. Isn't there something in all of us that asks the question, "is this really all there is?" And everything within me screams, "no!"

Today when I found myself gasping for air, I finally came back to the place I should have started.

I need you

I know

I need you

I am here

I can breathe. All may not be right with the world today, but all will be right one day, and I am waiting in the arms of the One who can make it right.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:1

Thank you. You are my life, my breath, the sustainer of my soul. I come to You, where else can I go? That the God of the universe should personally care for us is unfathomable. Although it is our own brokenness that separates us from You, still You seek us. You made a way for us to come back. Thank you that You make all things new. We need You, Lord... we need You, every minute of every day.

Awake
12:29 AM. I am wide awake. One after another their names and faces invade my thoughts. Even when I fall asleep, they follow me into my dreams. I wake up thinking of them, and this continues throughout my day. Friends I haven't seen in years, families whose hearts are bleeding for someone they love, and many who carry pain it seems nobody sees. Maybe some of them are awake tonight as well, wondering how they will make it through tomorrow. For those people, I'm glad to be awake, asking God to make Himself real to them when they need it most. I don't think it's an accident that on this particular night, there are specific people on my mind. Clearly, God knows better than I do the battles these people are facing at this very moment.

Because the physical world is constantly bombarding and overwhelming us, it is what seems most real to us. But is it really? I'm reading an interesting fiction book right now that talks a lot about how backwards this perspective is. Instead, one of the characters proposes that the reality we perceive is more like decorative tissue paper. It's pretty, but it does not last. It's interesting to consider. What is the real reality? I'm not trying to go into a full blown philosophical discussion of what is real right. However, I think times like this are an example of how incredible it is to be part of an eternal reality. Think about it. Earlier this week God woke me up and put a burden on my heart for a friend I hadn't talked to or seen in years. I couldn't stop thinking of them, and soon those thoughts turned into pleas. I begged God to protect them, comfort them, chase them, and give them whatever they needed at that moment. I still have no idea what those needs were, but I am confident that God did. He knew it was a critical moment, when they needed someone to fight for them.

But even in this, it wasn't me who was doing the fighting. I think God even gave me the gift of brokenness for that friend, and that knowledge gives me great hope. Yes, we are in a war. But we are not fighting it alone. Maybe God woke someone up to pray for you tonight. So whether you are resting or fighting tonight, soak up the realization that God sees you.

Heavenly Father, thank you that you know us intimately and accurately. Thank you that You are in us, with us, and for us, even when we sleep. Thank you for giving us glimpses of Your reality. Thank you that you cared about our pain enough to step into our reality and experience it for yourself, but that you also defeated it. And thank you that you still fight for those who trust in You. Help us to rest in that knowledge, tonight and throughout this week.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms," Ephesians 6:12.

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love," Psalm 33:18.

Stories

Since my return from the land of Eire, I've noticed a peculiar development in my speech habits. When someone asks me, “So, how was Ireland?” I find I experience a temporary paralysis of the articulation center in my brain. My typical eloquent response is something like, “Uhh... it was great.” It's not that I didn't expect the question. I knew this test was coming, but somehow that didn't make it easier. Why is it so hard to put into words the depth of what my heart feels?

Today I realized something else about the nature of my temporary “speech impediment.” There's a part of me that doesn't want to try. Instead, I want to curl up inside the memories and just bask in them for a while. Why not stay there and just let everyone else stay on the outside? It's easy to tell myself that most people don't care anyway. Within a few minutes their eyes will probably glaze over, and they will be thinking about what they need to add to their grocery list, or how long they have to stand there before they can leave without being rude. Sadly, I know I've been that person at times with friends who have returned from a mission trip or overseas experience in the past. (Why do you think I can describe it so well?) So why do we make the effort? Why is it important that we communicate what we have seen and heard?

If there's one thing the Irish people do well, it's tell a story. They don't just tell you what happened. They tell you what color the bird was, the exact size of the cucumber sandwiches, and the way they felt when they first met their future spouse. They allow you the privilege of stepping into their memory for just a few moments. They want you to see what they see, feel what they felt, and you can't help but be captivated by it.

We had countless opportunities to enter into these stories throughout the trip. We heard from incredible storytellers like Billy Stevenson, Hadden Wilson, Ross Wilson, and Derick Bingham. Each one of these men had unique stories to tell, and each one did it faithfully. What a gift they gave us! They allowed us to see life through their eyes for a few moments, and what we saw was incredible. We saw more than just a story about them. We saw what Ross Wilson calls, “shoots of Everlastingness.” We saw the image of a beautiful, powerful, loving, Creator. We saw impossible requests granted. We saw the weak become strong. We saw the story of redemption come to life.

When you're learning to write, everyone reminds you, “don't tell us, show us!” Even though these men were “telling” us stories, they were really just showing us how God was invading their world and turning it upside down. I don't know about you, but those are the stories make me want to find out more for myself. They make me want to go to the source and ask Him to make me a part of His story.

If there's one thing this trip has done, it's convinced me that not only is it worth it to tell the stories, I must tell them. I can't afford to keep them to myself. People need to hear them. We are all aching for something real, for someone to show us what God looks like. But we can't just talk. We have to live this story so our words will do more than just tell... they will show.

"They will tell of the power of your awesome works, and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness." Psalm 145:6-7.