Diving In

Honestly

2010-02-01T22:38:00.001-06:00

What you see: a smile
What I feel: defeat

What you hear: "we'll see"
What I feel: hopeless

What you see: perseverance
What I feel: exhaustion

What you hear: "it's going okay..."
What I feel: "what is going on Lord?"

What you hear: "Wow, that's amazing! God has really provided for you."
What I feel: "Have you forgotten me Lord? What am I doing wrong?"

Do I dare tell people how I really feel? When I am brutally honest with someone, I sometimes feel like I've stepped over some invisible line. I've gone too far. There are so many real crisis in the world right now, after all. How selfish it is to whine about my puny problems. And it's true. This is not how I want to respond, and sometimes I scold myself for even thinking such things. But when is it okay to stop pretending? When does the mask come off? Doesn't it have to come off at some point so that when the victory comes, you know it can only be from God. I'm not the first person to speculate on this subject. One of my new favorite songs written by Vota explores the same subject:

Honestly can I tell you where I'm at
Honestly can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am

If you don't see the real me you won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness you won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Honestly

Honestly I'm growing sick and tired
Honestly it hurts too much to hide
Brokenness that's killing us inside

Let the light escape
From these holes inside my soul
When I start to break
Then grace begins to flow
Let the light escape
From this wounded place inside my soul
Honestly

Only grace can make something out of nothing. So here I am Lord. I'm not proud of the state of my heart right now. I confess to You my jealousy, pride, bitterness, selfishness, and unbelief. I need an internal makeover Lord. I ask You to create a new work in my heart. Teach me to love, to trust that You really do care, and that You know what You're doing. I give myself up to You Lord., You're my only hope.

"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me. For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me." Psalm 40:11-12.

Holy Unrest

2010-01-04T23:11:00.004-06:00

Tonight I listened to a woman share her story about her journey to adopt a little girl from China. It was real, it was profound, it was timely... and it prompted all sorts of thoughts that are about to spill out onto this page, so get ready. (Thanks Rachelle!)

Rachelle talked about this thing that began as a small prick, and turned into a flood of confirmation that this was what God was prompting her to do. But it seemed larger than life. She shared her honest struggle to understand whether this was God's will or not. As God confirmed over and over again that it was, she wrestled with Him and finally, along with her family, began taking small steps in the direction she felt God was leading her. Today, Ellie Grace is a member of their family. You really need to go to her blog to read the real story, it's so much better than that brief snapshot. To get a clearer picture check out the archives at

http://surrenderingtogodsgiftofelliegrace.blogspot.com

I was so moved by her story that I struggled to keep my tears to a minimum as she shared. What God prompted her to do seemed pretty big to me. It was something she was sure she couldn't do. But God kept after her, showed her the steps to take, and He did something incredible through this family that was willing to take the step.

I still don't quite know how explain it all, I just know that something was/is going on in my soul and I have to try. I have to try to get it out, because it hurts to keep it in. When I heard Rachelle talking about doing this thing that seemed larger than life to her, I felt like something was welling up within me. I began to wonder if I'm limiting God in the the way I'm living my life, the choices I'm making, the things I dream about.

"Be intentional with your life,” she said at the end of her story. I feel pulled in so many different directions, I'm not even really sure exactly what God wants me to do. Nevertheless, I was so moved I had to go to the bathroom and take a few deep breaths to get my composure back. I stood in the stall with my Kleenex, praying silently, “I'm trying Lord. I want to follow You. I feel the tug to DO something... I just don't know exactly what or where.” As she talked, I thought about all the things that keep coming to the surface when I think about how I want to live my life. I thought about missions, missionary documentary work, writing, one year intensive mission programs, and most of all, about pursuing growth intentionally... pursuing God's purposes intentionally.

At one point as Rachelle was wrestling with whether it was God's will for them or not to adopt this little girl she wondered, why wouldn't changing this little person's life for eternity be God's will? My heart was burning within me, to do something more with my life, something that will last. To move beyond the status quo. Now the tears are coming again as I think about it. I'm not saying any of these things I'm thinking about are more spiritual than someone who feels called to be a doctor or a secretary or a musician. What I'm saying is, what if He is calling me to do something “bigger” (or maybe just different) and I am ignoring the tug because it seems unrealistic? Sometimes I wonder if I am limiting God in the way I think.

Those of you who know me probably recognize this fit of restlessness and questions that I seem to lapse into on a fairly regular basis, and you probably dread being around me when I get into such a state. But this is something I feel like I need to wrestle through. Why? Because this “state” keeps coming back. It doesn't seem to go away, and I'm starting to think maybe I should pay attention to it.

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet to lose or forfeit his very self. If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:23-26

Lord I want to follow You. Help me understand where You want me. Help me understand how to intentionally pursue You. I don't want to live my whole life as the seed that fell among the thorns and did not mature because I let the distractions of life choke me to death. I'm afraid that will be the story of my life, unless You teach me how to live intentionally. I want to know. I want to know how to know You, and how to live my life as if I am not ashamed. I want to live unafraid, to be willing to let go of my life to find it. I don't want to miss the point. If this holy unrest is from You, show me what to do with it. If not, show me what You want me to do, and give me courage to take the first step. Thank you for men and women who go before us and show us what it means to live with courage.

The Big Picture

2009-11-05T00:49:00.002-06:00

His name was Elijah. He lived during the height of Israel's rebellion against God, and under the reign of the man who introduced the worship of Baal to the people of Judah. (The same king that married Jezebel, a name that has been synonomous with evil to this day.) Everything about Elijah, even the meaning of his name -“My God is Yahweh,”- was a strong statement of defiance against these rulers who had stolen the hearts of the very people Yahweh had delivered from Egypt a few hundred years earlier.

I recently jumped into the middle of a Bible Study with some friends who are reading through the whole Bible together, beginning in Genesis and working their way through one book at a time. I came in around 1 Samuel, not sure what to expect. It's been in familiar teritory for the most part. I've heard these stories since I was a kid. I confess, on my own I rarely choose to spend serious time in the Old Testament, usually preffering to get my “quick fix” in the New Testament, Psalms, or Proverbs. (Ouch, revealing how shallow I really am at times.) But tonight, I feel like I am slowly beginning to understand the bigger picture.

Of course, the New Testament contains so many incredible truths that form the cornerstone of our faith. If it weren't for the New Testament, I would still be without hope and without God in this world. But when I treat it as part of a whole and not just an isolated book, it is even more incredible.

As I reflected on our reading tonight, I was struck by several things. Elijah's life, and of course his most famous showdown with the 450 prophets of Baal (check it out, 1 Kings 18:20-45,) I was struck by the fact that this is not just a “cool Bible story” about a “cool Bible character” that we should try to be like. (Often how I approach my own time in the Word I think.) It is so much bigger than that. Everything about Elijah's life was evidence that not only, “my God is Yahweh,” but, “Yahweh is God.”

In spite of the fact that weather was supposedly his specialty, Baal clearly did not bring an end to the famine in the land. He couldn't make it rain either. Yet God (Yahweh) instructed ravens to feed Elijah, and opened or closed the floodgates of heaven when he prayed. But this story is not really about this amazing man of God, who actually runs for his life a short time after his victory over the false prophets. This story is one more thread of the intricate and beautifull design that makes up the masterpiece of God's Word, all of which continually declares the same message,

“Yahweh is God.”

Over and over again the author of 1 Kings records promises made by God, either for gracious blessing (which no one really deserved) or for just punishment. The phrase, “according to the word of the Lord,” occurs frequently in this book, connecting events to earlier promises made by God as they occur. The more you read, the more you realize, this God is for real. The things that He is communicating, through whoever His spokesperson is at that point in history, are being fulfilled over and over.

And this is just what I've noticed in one or two “chapters” of this ongoing story. The more I read, the more I stand in awe of the intricacy of the bigger picture. I am frustrated with my words tonight because I feel like they aren't really communicating what is so excitng to me.

I guess what I'm really excited about is that I feel like I had one of those rare moments tonight when I was able to see God's Word with fresh eyes. I was able to see it for what it really is, and I am beginning to realize how those moments change me. It is as if I get a glimpse of God's face when I step back long enough to really reflect on what the text says about Him and how he has been working from eternity past, rather than making everything about me. I suppose that's really a simple idea... but somehow it seemed revolutionary to me tonight. Tonight I am more aware that His wisdom, grace, love, and power ooze from every page in this incredible book. And it all builds to one glorious crescendo, “But now, a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:21-24.

I feel like I just tried to describe what it feels like to watch the sunrise over the Grand Canyon, or jump out of an airplane at 10,000 feet, or hold your newborn child in your arms. There are some things you just have to experience to understand. This is one of them. Don't take my words for it. Read it yourself... even if you've read it before. Try grabbing a friend and reading through it together, discussing it and reading it as if for the first time. Take a chance. You may be surprised what you find.

Lord, may we continue on this journey one step at a time, exploring new and unknown territory, expanding the reservoirs of our faith, and widening our soul to soak in more of this incredible grace: that we may truly know You... and that knowing You our lives would never be the same.

“The unfolding of your word gives light; it gives understanding to the simple,” Psalm 119:130

“Your promises have been thoroughly tested, and your servant loves them.” Psalm 119:140

I've been thinking...

2009-10-08T18:54:00.006-05:00

I've made several decisions over the past few weeks that have left me feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability can be a scary thing. Often it brings other things in my life to the surface that otherwise remain safely tucked away. Something big came to the surface this weekend when I stepped out of my comfort zone. As I prepared to leave for Arkansas for homecoming weekend, I felt unusually uneasy.

As I tried to figure out what was bothering me, I finally realized, "I have nothing to offer to my friends right now. Nothing to show, nothing to give... it's just me." And then the much deeper fear came popping up like a beach ball that's been contained under water too long. "Will they still want to see me? Will they still love me even if I have nothing to give?" I know this seems ridiculous. It certainly did to me when I finally articulated the thought. But the fear was still there. I dug through Scripture my first night there, reading passage after passage about what God says about me.

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..."
"You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you,"

And as I read the words over and over, it hit me... I didn't believe they were true of me. The more I understood the implications of my thinking, the more I knew it needed to change. This is a big deal. I don't believe the same God who put away His glory and put on one of our mud bodies and died for me actually loves me? If I don't believe that, where does that leave me? How can I ask God for direction, how can I even go on without being sure of this? And if I'm not sure, how can I possibly love anyone else?

That night I cried out to God, "I don't know how to deal with this, but I know it needs to change. I can't do life without your direction and support, and I can't handle something like this standing in the way."

As I ask God to change my heart and mind, I realize how much I am like the Israelites, who wandered in the dessert for 40 years. To both of us the Holy Spirit says, "Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me and for forty years saw what I did." Hebrews 3:9

Forty years of watching God work! And still they did not believe. "See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God." Hebrews 3:12.

How have I seen God work in my life? What have I forgotten that I need to remember?

I've been reading through my old journals... especially my journal of Ireland. That trip was one of the greatest pictures to me of God's incredible, ridiculous love. It came at such a crucial time of life, when my heart was full of questions, doubts, and uncertainties. And into the midst of that, God spoke.

In the delicate and glorious beauty of thousands of roses, a glimpse of the heart of their Creator.
In the crashing of waves against the jagged cliffs, covered in a soft blanket of green.
In a solitary lighthouse on that cliff, a visual reminder to fix my eyes on Christ when my world is dark.
In unbelievable reminders of His glory, even magnificent man made cathedrals, designed to keep your eyes fixed heavenward.
And most of all, through His people. Living reminders of redemption. I remember thinking at times, "Is this really happening? This is so over the top. This is so much more than I could ever expect." And it hasn't stopped there. He is still exceeding my expectations.

I know my thoughts have been kind of all over the place in this post, but this is really what it all comes back to for me. As I realize what God has done in my life because of Christ, and how much I don't deserve it, I am left with nothing to say except, "Who am I, O Sovereign LORD... that you have brought me this far?" 2 Samuel 7:18. I am reminded once again that I stand before God only in grace. I have nothing to offer. This emptiness is the whole basis of my original acceptance before Him, and it is still by no action or merit of my own that I continue to stand in that favor, in that love. It is only because of Christ. I am still working to understand how this truth works out in everyday life, one painful step at a time. Some days it's easier than others. I don't know where you are, but wherever it is please don't stop asking the questions. Don't assume that because you are having a hard time believing something right now that that it's not true. Please don't give up. Keep seeking, keep asking... and God will find you.

"Therefore he (Jesus) is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them," Hebrews 7:25.

Father I do believe... help my unbelief. As a friend recently prayed for me, would you identify us. Apart from any job, relationship, or anything we do or give. Identify us as your own in Christ, and set us free to love each other, because you have loved us with such a ridiculous, extravagant love.

Learning to Breathe

2009-09-01T19:43:00.004-05:00

Some days it's just too much.

The reminder that the world is not as it should be surrounds us everyday, like smoke from a fire creeping up to steal our oxygen and choke us to death.

It comes gradually. We become accustomed to its presence and it almost seems normal to us. Almost.

The news of an illness, the loss of a job, or a family that has been ripped apart by addiction.

Silence where there should be words, shouts where there should be kind words, anger or neglect where there should be love.

If we don't see it around us, it's easy to find it in ourselves. Selfishness, bitterness, anxiety... what happened to love, joy, and peace?

Everywhere I turn I am reminded of how much we lose when we choose to be our own god, to decide for ourselves what is good. Isn't it interesting that the original sin doesn't seem so bad when you isolate the act itself? She was just eating a piece of fruit, right? What's the big deal? That's what Eve thought too, and life has never been the same. God is the One who defines what is good, and He knew what was coming.

Some days the continued consequences of that choice (and our own choices) are stifling. Sometimes it feels too painful to deal with, and all I want to do is shut down. I want to cover my ears and shut my eyes tight, like a two year old who thinks they can hide from someone if they can't see them. But I know that's not the answer either.

These are the moments I am so keenly aware of the ache in my soul for something more. Isn't there something in all of us that asks the question, "is this really all there is?" And everything within me screams, "no!"

Today when I found myself gasping for air, I finally came back to the place I should have started.

I need you

I know

I need you

I am here

I can breathe. All may not be right with the world today, but all will be right one day, and I am waiting in the arms of the One who can make it right.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:1

Thank you. You are my life, my breath, the sustainer of my soul. I come to You, where else can I go? That the God of the universe should personally care for us is unfathomable. Although it is our own brokenness that separates us from You, still You seek us. You made a way for us to come back. Thank you that You make all things new. We need You, Lord... we need You, every minute of every day.

2009-07-29T00:28:00.000-05:00

Awake
12:29 AM. I am wide awake. One after another their names and faces invade my thoughts. Even when I fall asleep, they follow me into my dreams. I wake up thinking of them, and this continues throughout my day. Friends I haven't seen in years, families whose hearts are bleeding for someone they love, and many who carry pain it seems nobody sees. Maybe some of them are awake tonight as well, wondering how they will make it through tomorrow. For those people, I'm glad to be awake, asking God to make Himself real to them when they need it most. I don't think it's an accident that on this particular night, there are specific people on my mind. Clearly, God knows better than I do the battles these people are facing at this very moment.

Because the physical world is constantly bombarding and overwhelming us, it is what seems most real to us. But is it really? I'm reading an interesting fiction book right now that talks a lot about how backwards this perspective is. Instead, one of the characters proposes that the reality we perceive is more like decorative tissue paper. It's pretty, but it does not last. It's interesting to consider. What is the real reality? I'm not trying to go into a full blown philosophical discussion of what is real right. However, I think times like this are an example of how incredible it is to be part of an eternal reality. Think about it. Earlier this week God woke me up and put a burden on my heart for a friend I hadn't talked to or seen in years. I couldn't stop thinking of them, and soon those thoughts turned into pleas. I begged God to protect them, comfort them, chase them, and give them whatever they needed at that moment. I still have no idea what those needs were, but I am confident that God did. He knew it was a critical moment, when they needed someone to fight for them.

But even in this, it wasn't me who was doing the fighting. I think God even gave me the gift of brokenness for that friend, and that knowledge gives me great hope. Yes, we are in a war. But we are not fighting it alone. Maybe God woke someone up to pray for you tonight. So whether you are resting or fighting tonight, soak up the realization that God sees you.

Heavenly Father, thank you that you know us intimately and accurately. Thank you that You are in us, with us, and for us, even when we sleep. Thank you for giving us glimpses of Your reality. Thank you that you cared about our pain enough to step into our reality and experience it for yourself, but that you also defeated it. And thank you that you still fight for those who trust in You. Help us to rest in that knowledge, tonight and throughout this week.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms," Ephesians 6:12.

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love," Psalm 33:18.

2009-07-12T14:15:00.000-05:00

Stories

Since my return from the land of Eire, I've noticed a peculiar development in my speech habits. When someone asks me, “So, how was Ireland?” I find I experience a temporary paralysis of the articulation center in my brain. My typical eloquent response is something like, “Uhh... it was great.” It's not that I didn't expect the question. I knew this test was coming, but somehow that didn't make it easier. Why is it so hard to put into words the depth of what my heart feels?

Today I realized something else about the nature of my temporary “speech impediment.” There's a part of me that doesn't want to try. Instead, I want to curl up inside the memories and just bask in them for a while. Why not stay there and just let everyone else stay on the outside? It's easy to tell myself that most people don't care anyway. Within a few minutes their eyes will probably glaze over, and they will be thinking about what they need to add to their grocery list, or how long they have to stand there before they can leave without being rude. Sadly, I know I've been that person at times with friends who have returned from a mission trip or overseas experience in the past. (Why do you think I can describe it so well?) So why do we make the effort? Why is it important that we communicate what we have seen and heard?

If there's one thing the Irish people do well, it's tell a story. They don't just tell you what happened. They tell you what color the bird was, the exact size of the cucumber sandwiches, and the way they felt when they first met their future spouse. They allow you the privilege of stepping into their memory for just a few moments. They want you to see what they see, feel what they felt, and you can't help but be captivated by it.

We had countless opportunities to enter into these stories throughout the trip. We heard from incredible storytellers like Billy Stevenson, Hadden Wilson, Ross Wilson, and Derick Bingham. Each one of these men had unique stories to tell, and each one did it faithfully. What a gift they gave us! They allowed us to see life through their eyes for a few moments, and what we saw was incredible. We saw more than just a story about them. We saw what Ross Wilson calls, “shoots of Everlastingness.” We saw the image of a beautiful, powerful, loving, Creator. We saw impossible requests granted. We saw the weak become strong. We saw the story of redemption come to life.

When you're learning to write, everyone reminds you, “don't tell us, show us!” Even though these men were “telling” us stories, they were really just showing us how God was invading their world and turning it upside down. I don't know about you, but those are the stories make me want to find out more for myself. They make me want to go to the source and ask Him to make me a part of His story.

If there's one thing this trip has done, it's convinced me that not only is it worth it to tell the stories, I must tell them. I can't afford to keep them to myself. People need to hear them. We are all aching for something real, for someone to show us what God looks like. But we can't just talk. We have to live this story so our words will do more than just tell... they will show.

"They will tell of the power of your awesome works, and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness." Psalm 145:6-7.

2009-05-23T04:56:00.000-05:00

Thoughts from the land of Ire, day 3...

This morning I woke up and pulled a cord hanging from the ceiling to make the hot water come on in the shower.

My roommate and I are both noticing a slight change in our vocabulary. There was a spider on the ceiling this morning and I instinctively thought, "Look at the wee spider..."

One of the most enchanting things about this place is how lovely everything is... and I'm not just talking about the gorgeous landscape. Even the way they talk- the inflection of their words, the words themselves, and the stories they tell are full of color and life. I'm certainly no expert yet... but those who are tell me the culture in general places a high value on beauty. Just look at the buildings, the streets, the houses. They are not just functional, they are beautiful.

I am struck by how much of life I miss as an American, always rushing about and trying to check the next thing off my list. Sometimes I wonder if we trade the beautiful for the practical or the efficient. Maybe we are missing something.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." Philippians 4:8.

Obviously the idea is not to make beauty an end in itself. But our art professor used the term "messengers of beauty" yesterday to describe the theological importance of the beautiful. Like the great cathedrals with the lofty ceilings that force you to look to heaven, I want to be a person that causes others to experience the beauty of Christ.

As Billy prayed for us yesterday...

Christ within me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,

Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
-St. Patrick

2008-12-04T09:07:00.001-06:00

It's been one of those weeks. As the expectations rise, I feel like my performance falls at double the speed. I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can. But even then, I wonder if it's enough... and sometimes if it's too much. Every time I turn around I feel like I'm letting someone down, sometimes even my trying feels like it's causing problems. I don't know how to fix it, and “I'm sorry” just doesn't seem like enough after a while. My stomach cringes and I almost feel physically sick as I realize the level of responsibility and perceived inadequacy with each project. Can I complete the task that's been assigned to me? Can I do it as it should be done? When something goes wrong on a project, I feel it's because of my incompetence, and I watch as that mistake seems to touch everyone else around me. I know I'm learning from the pressure, from the intense environment we have to be creative in. My mind knows this, but my heart is weak. I feel vulnerable as I try to do my best, and at the same time try to steel myself for the consequences if it's not enough.

This semester I’ve learned a lot about constructive criticism. I know it's necessary for growth, and I can usually prepare myself for one or two of these situations at a time, but one day this week I found myself facing several in a row.As much as I tried to fight it, to think reasonably about it, my emotions and even my body reacted to it in a way I wasn't expecting. I found myself feeling a little shaky now and then. Am I trying too hard, or not hard enough? Do I need to strive for excellence, or am I being a control freak? I can sense God's gentle reminder that my true identity is in Christ. My standing with him has never been based on my performance. I'm doing my best to hold onto that, even as I ask Him to help me deal with the turmoil going on inside me. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one feeling the pressure right now. I don't have all the answers, and I obviously am not the best example for how to handle end of semester stress. All I can do is pass on what gets me through, one day at a time.

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayers; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I... let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!” Psalm 61:2,4

For all of you who are facing pressure from school, or maybe just life, let me know if or how I can pray for you.

“Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.”

“I will hold onto this hope that I have. You gave me a promise. I'll push through this moment, I'll never give up. You gave me a promise...” - Fireflight

2008-10-01T22:42:00.000-05:00

I went for a walk in the cemetery tonight. I needed to take a few minutes to not be in a hurry. I took my phone with me, but every time I started to open it, I shut it again. I just needed to be with God. I didn’t have much to say today. My heart was a little heavy, but I wasn’t sure why. I walked slowly, reading the engraved stones. Each one represented someone’s loss. Someone loved each one of these people. Naturally, my thoughts turned to my own family, to my grandpa’s death. Grief has hit me at different times and in different ways than I expected the past month. Sometimes it comes as a trickle, an almost unidentifiable nag in the back of your mind. But sometimes it’s also a flood.

I walked by a bench overlooking most of the cemetery. There was a young tree standing guard over it. I walked a few steps, but felt a need to turn and sit down for a few minutes. The night was beautiful, the breeze and temperature absolutely perfect. I looked at the grave stones around me, thinking of the people in my life who are dealing with heavy loss, pain, injustice, or difficulty. I thought of my grandpa. As I wiped away a few tears, I looked up at the tree and noticed that the seemed to be hovering over the bench. I smiled and the words from the Psalmist came to mind, “He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.” Along with the song we sang in church last week, “I am my beloved’s and He is mine, His banner over me is love.” I closed my eyes and let myself just be. For just a moment, I let go of the expectations, of the “shoulds”, the “shouldn’ts”, and the “I wish I would have’s.” After a few minutes, I stood up and began to walk again, reading the tombstones as I passed by. My thoughts were interrupted by a sound that made me stand completely still. At first I it was so faint I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or if it was real. But the more I listened, the more I was convinced. It was the sound of bagpipes… playing Amazing Grace. Then the real tears came. This was one of two songs we sang at grandpa’s memorial service. The song grew louder for a few moments as I listened in disbelief. I tried to look and see where it was coming from, but I found no hints. Then, just as quickly as it had come, it faded away. I wiped at my wet face, humbled by a God who went to the trouble to speak to my heart so clearly, who took time to reassure me, “Go ahead, cry dear one. It’s okay. I’m here with you.”
Thank you Father. Keep showing us your heart. Even when life doesn't make sense. Cover us with Your Feathers. Hide is under Your wings.

2008-09-10T14:56:00.000-05:00

Questions Worth Asking

I like to write. The statement may seem obvious, considering the manner in which I'm choosing to express this sentiment. It opens up a unique part of my heart and mind and allows me to take a step back from life and say, "Look at this." It allows me to see God, myself, and other people differently. It is a source of pleasure, understanding, and release for me, and hopefully a source of encouragement for those who happen to read my words. So why have I stopped writing? I found myself asking this question tonight after reading an old short story I wrote for a class. I was surprised how much it stirred my heart to be drawn back into the story and the emotion that was involved in writing it. And now here I am, wondering. What happened?

Have you ever felt completely convinced God wanted you to do something? At first you're so excited. You write in your journal all the little things God has been doing to point you in this new direction. Everything from answers to prayer, encouragement from other people, open doors and opportunities. You've never been more certain of anything in your life. And then one day it comes. Slowly at first. It's hardly noticeable. It's just a small leak in the roof. Then one day you look up and find yourself staring at nothing but the sky and wondering, "When did that happen?" The "it" I'm referring to is called doubt.

Did I hear you correctly, God? Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? Do I really have a gift, or am I just fooling myself? What do I have to say that's different from what everyone else has already said?

I'm not just talking about writing now. I'm talking about life. These are questions that run around in my head every day, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one. Doubt can be a powerful thing. The more we entertain it, the greater it's power becomes. It's not content to dominate one area of our lives. It creeps over into our family, our work, our friendships, and our relationship with God. In fact, in looking more closely at the pinhole that started this whole mess, my relationship with God is at the center of the issue.

Do I believe that what he said about me is true? What is it that caused me to doubt the path I once felt so strongly He was leading me down? Did I stop because I asked Him about it and he directed me down a different path? Or did I just sit down in the middle of the road, heave a big sigh and say, "Well, I guess I heard You wrong, God." Is the source of my doubt really pride after all? When I perceive someone else does a better job than me, do I choose to react in a childish way and given up because I can't be, "the best?" Do I choose to give up because evidence of my 'success' is slim.

And most of all, do I really believe God is concerned with results rather than faithfulness?

Thank you Lord that you love me through the questions. Clear my mind Lord. Help my flimsy faith. "O Light that followest all my way I yield my flickering torch to Thee; My heart restores it's borrowed ray That in Thy sunshine's blaze it's day
May brighter, fairer be."

* O Love that Will Not Let Me Go
George Matheson

2008-07-01T23:08:00.000-05:00

Beautiful Change

Change. The very word makes me feel like I need to take a deep breath and hang onto something sturdy to brace myself for impact. We are all familiar with this rather uncomfortable word. It's something we only like when it's on our terms. When we're tired of our hair style, the color of paint on the walls, or our job, then we embrace change. In those circumstances it's a friendly, and maybe even invigorating concept. But when we're content with the way things are, when we're finally adjusted and find ourselves feeling comfortable, then how dare that nasty little word come and turn our world upside down!

This year has been a year of change for me. Moving almost eight hours away from home turned out to be a much bigger change than I was expecting. A new school, enviornment, state, teachers, food, friends, activities, relationships, my role, routine, and so much more. Even things back home changed, which was hard to accept. Change soon became a rather unwelcome guest in my life. Whenever I saw it coming, I would usually try an alternate route if at all possible. (Or at least display some road rage if no detour was available.)

This week I learned that there will be a significant change in my department when I return in the fall. (The part I was just starting to get used to.) At first I was surprised. Soon that surprise turned into anxiety. "What if...?" I've discovered this question often tags along behind change of any sort. Because change involves uncertainty, it's easy to think of all the things that could go wrong. This question is especially scary when I find myself dealing with changes in my relationships with people. The what-if's can seem larger than life and very messy.

Last night I grabbed my Ipod and hopped on my bike, my mind full of thoughts about the coming year and, of course, change. I was listening to one of my favorite artists and enjoying the evening when the words that were traveling into my ears finally connected with my brain cells. Does anyone else find it amazing how we can hear or see something a hundred times and never stop to think about it, and then one day it just just jumps out and grabs us? I wonder if God gives us divine deafness at times... or maybe I'm just turning up my Ipod too loud. In any case, this is what I was finally able to hear:

Oh I'm going to find some peace of mind. At any time I could change, any day,a beautiful

change. Nothing has been what I'd guessed so far. Unforeseen, this most sweet, beautiful change.- words by The Innocence Mission.

I twisted my face in surprise, purely for my own amusement of course, and slowly that face turned into a smile. Beautiful change. Wow. Immediately what came to mind, partly because the song mentions seasons, were the changes we have learned to celebrate. Fall, winter, spring, and summer. Each season comes to us in a unique, beautiful way. I have a hard time deciding which one is my favorite, because I love something about each one. When the leaves begin to explode in vibrant color and the air becomes crisp and cool, I sigh and think, "This must be my favorite season." Then, with winter comes snow. My world is covered in a soft blanket of white, encouraging me to "be still," and take a moment to just be with God. And then I think, "Maybe this is my favorite season." And then there's spring. Ahhh... spring. The world becomes green again. Hope is restored. The old is gone, the new has come. "There's nothing quite like spring," I think. Need I go on about summer? Well... alright. Popsickles, fireflys, ice-cream, fireworks, baseball, and lots of extra sunshine. When I'm basking in the sun or watching the fireflys light up the night I am tempted to say, "I wish it were summer all the time." Each season is very different from the other, and they're all so beautiful in their own special way. But, in order to experience that beauty to the full, a changes must take place.

In the same way, I think God uses specific circumstances in our lives in order to bring about beautiful change in us. So What if? What if I chose to focus less on my level of discomfort in the change and more on enjoying each season of my life for it's own singular beauty? What if I chose to rest in the Unchanging One instead of hoping my circumstance and relationships will stay the way they are? What if?

Thank you Lord that you are Unchanging. Forgive me for throwing fits about the change in my life. Give me open eyes to see the beauty you are creating from the change that sometimes scares me. Help me to accept it and walk through it in a way that brings glory to You. Instead of always looking at it as a threat, help me see it as an opportunity. May I continually look to You as my safe place. The only thing in my life that does not change.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17.

2008-04-09T21:48:00.000-05:00

Tonight, and for the rest of my life

She sat alone at a table that overlooked a dance floor filled with happy couples and wondered for the hundredth time, “Is there something wrong with me? Seriously…”

The people gliding across the floor blurred into one as her thoughts drifted to a different time and place. Middle school. Her first dance. She remembered how much she had looked forward to that night, spending hours deciding what she would wear and fixing her hair so it would look just right. In her mind she imagined what it would be like when a boy finally asked her to dance. He would be charming and sweet of course. They would laugh and talk and have a good time. Maybe then she would finally feel like she was okay. But that moment never came.

“Here’s your chance lovely couples, grab that special person and step out onto the dance floor. This one’s for you.” She sighed as the DJ’s voice interrupted her thoughts. Had anything really changed? Looking down at her sparkling, not to mention pricey, gown and her manicured fingernails, she realized she still felt like that same awkward middle-school girl. The question she had been asking for over ten years still spun in her mind like a broken record.

“Is there something wrong with me?” She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block out the thought. “Stop it,” she scolded herself, “you’re supposed to be having fun.” But no matter how much she tried to reason with herself, the thought continued to jab at her, like a giant splinter lodged in her heart.

Someone put a piece of cake in front of her, and she looked up to see her friend Sarah standing next to her with her hands on her hips. “Eat,” she ordered as she handed her a fork, “it will make you smile.”
She took the fork from her friend and obeyed, “Only because you delivered it.”

“Or because it’s cheesecake, you’re favorite,” she remarked as she pulled up a chair. Silence hung in the air like a thick cloud for a moment, but only for a moment.

“Cari," Sarah didn't wait long, "look at me.”
She did, reluctantly.
“What’s wrong?”

She opted to take another bite of cheesecake rather than answer directly, but she knew her friend wouldn’t put up with diversions long. After a few more seconds of silence she answered quietly, “Me.”

Sarah’s eyes narrowed and she leaned closer. Cari knew that look. Sometimes she felt like Sarah wanted to protect her from herself, from the thoughts and fears that cut her down and made her feel like half a person. She could see it in her eyes tonight. She was ready to mentally step into the ring with her. But one thing she would never do is take over the fight completely. She had a subtle way building her back up until she could stand on her own once again.
“Go on,” her friend said quietly.

Cari looked up at her and for a brief moment wondered whether she would understand. Sarah was stunning in her size 4 ball gown that matched her intense blue eyes perfectly. It seemed not one hair was out of place. Not one drop of sweat had smudged her makeup. Acne wouldn’t dare show up on her face. She wouldn’t stand for it. If that weren’t enough, her very own handsome prince was waiting nearby to share every dance with her, tonight and for the rest of her life. Her eyes fell on the sparkling diamond on Sarah’s finger and she wondered, “Can she really understand?”

“Cari.” The words were firm, but gentle at the same time. “I may be married, but I’m still a woman. Talk to me.”

She pushed her cheesecake to the side and picked up her napkin, folding it into the shape of a paper football as she talked. “It’s really not about the guys Sarah,” she said quietly. “It’s all about a question.” She unfolded the napkin and when she looked up she wasn’t surprised to find Sarah watching her. She sighed and put the napkin down, “Can you really remember what it’s like to always wonder? Do you even know what it means to wonder…

“If there’s something wrong with me?” Sarah finished her sentence.
Cari didn’t say anything, but nodded slowly and searched her friend’s face.
“Don’t look so surprised honey,” she said dryly. Her gaze focused on the table for a moment and her voice lowered, “Do I remember?” Cari waited. Sarah sighed and took a hold of her hand, “I don’t usually forget something that happened yesterday.”

Cari frowned, “But you’ve been married for 3 years now.”
Sarah nodded and smiled, “Yes we have.”
She shook her head in confusion, “Why would you wonder now?”
Her friend leaned forward and Cari noticed there was a spark in her eyes now, “It’s like this smart girl I know said. It’s really not about the guys.”

Cari took a moment to let her friend’s words sink in as she rubbed at a blister forming on the side of her foot, courtesy of her idea of glass slippers. “Sarah, wouldn’t it be easier if you just told me the answer?”
There was a blend of tenderness and confidence in her friend’s words, “I think you already know the answer.”
Another sappy love song began to play, and Cari knew Sarah’s husband was coming for her. She smiled in spite of herself and reached for the wise woman’s hand. “Thank you.”
Sarah smiled and nodded, still boring into her sole with those eyes. Finally she stood as her husband approached. Before she greeted him, she put her hand on Cari’s shoulder and gently kissed the top of her head. Cari smiled as she watched them walk to the dance floor arm in arm.

She smiled again when she turned back to the table and noticed her unfinished cheesecake. Pulling the plate closer, she took a bite and picked up the disheveled napkin she had been folding and unfolding during their conversation. She suddenly realized there was something very different about this napkin she hadn’t noticed before. It was bright pink, standing in sharp contrast to the black and silver decorations adorning the other tables. She couldn’t help but chuckle as she pictured her friend turning the kitchen upside down to find the one napkin in the building that was Cari’s favorite color. She decided maybe she would save it, to remember their conversation. Turning it over, she found another surprise. The words were crisp and clear, even on a napkin, “The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” Psalm 45:11. She traced the words with her fingers and whispered, “Thank you for sending Sarah, Father. Help me honor You. Keep me close, tonight and for the rest of my life.”

2008-01-08T21:59:00.000-06:00

Signs

I drove on, each mile carrying me farther and farther away from the things I loved, farther and farther outside of my comfort zone. The tears were mostly dry now, but the pit in my stomach remained. Am I doing the right thing Lord? Did I misunderstand you at some point, or is this really where you want me? I'm not a person who feels comfortable asking for signs. But God usually finds some way to get the message to me anyway. But in spite of this, I found myself making a request of the Lord:

Could you show me somehow Lord? And... could you show me soon?

After I made the request, I honestly forgot about it for a few hours. As I drove closer to school, I was surprised to see what looked like the effects of a tornado. Rivers and streams that normally ran calm now looked almost menacing as they tumbled down the mountain and swallowed unsuspecting homes. Although the damage to trees and homes seemed to be minimal, branches were twisted and broken, leaving a present reminder of the storm that had passed through. The dark grey clouds that hung in the sky still looked angry. My heart sank a little as I took it all in. It's grey much of the time during the winter in Arkansas. Almost every trip I've made back to school has been on a gray, rainy, and sometimes stormy day.

I pulled into the school parking lot, looking for a close place to unload my car. I made the first trip inside with full arms, and returned to the car for the second. As I walked down the sidewalk, I looked up at the sky and almost stopped. Was that blue sky? Sure enough, through a patch of clouds, I actually saw some blue sky. I smiled and made my way to the car for another trip. By the time I came back out for the third, I was shocked to see that the sky almost completely cleared within a few minutes. The sun was at that perfect place in the sky, where everything turns gold. The few clouds that remained now had a pink hue to them, and as I smiled and whispered in awe, "Blue sky," the chapel bells rang several times. I have never heard them do that at any time other than during a designated chapel time. I took a deep breath of the cool air and took it all in. Wow. As I thought about it later I remembered my "silly" prayer. I think God got the message to me. It's going to be okay. Trust me.

Thanks Lord.

2008-01-04T01:31:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about this blog post for a long time. It's been several months... not days, months since my last one. "This one better be good after all that time," I thought to myself. Several ideas almost materialized, and may yet someday. Several times I've come very close to writing a "what I've learned," blog. But tonight I felt the need to post these simple words. The past few months have been some of the hardest, for myself and for some people who are very dear to me. I think my trouble getting this blog written reflects the trouble I have condensing life sometimes. Frankly, quite often it doesn't make sense. But at the end of the day, or in the early hours of the morning, I am left with simply this:

"In Christ alone my hope is found;He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—Here in the love of Christ I stand."

No I didn't write it, but if you Google it you can find the rest of the words. It's a song that I learned at JBU, and it always seems to come back to me at very crucial moments to remind me of some very important truths.

You are all we have Lord. Thank you for never letting go. Keep us close. We need You every second of the day.

2007-09-21T23:30:00.000-05:00

Truth: A Beautiful Thing

There are moments in time when the life makes sense; when everything is as it should be. In those moments, it's almost as if we are given a glimpse of Eden, of the way life was meant to be. Those moments fill up my heart, and sometimes tears spill out as a result. The same moments also make my heart ache. It is often simple, yet beautiful moments that I notice it. Forgetting my own voice long enough to hear the harmony of the voices around me in chapel. Coming up over the hill to be surprised by a blazing sunset, making the road in front of me appear to be on fire. Sitting away from the crowd, curled up in a corner on the steps with my eyes closed; the stars, Christmas lights, and the soft music of a guitar keeping me company. Seeing the spark in a child's eyes when I return his enthusiastic greeting. Waking up just a few minutes before my alarm, staying curled up under the warm covers in bed just a little bit longer to talk with God. Enjoying a baseball game on a warm summer night with my family. Breathing deeply the the invigorating fall air, knowing it means football games, pumpkins, and beautiful leaves. But there is something that surpasses all of these things. That is watching God speak truth to the people in your life. There is no greater pleasure in life than having a front row seat as He unveils His image in each person, displaying it uniquely through their gifts, talents, and passions. The more I see what happens in my life as God speaks truth to my heart, the more I desire the same for those around me... and the more unworthy I feel to be the bearer of that truth. And then I realized something. I can't change a person's heart. As much as I would like to, I can't "fix" anyone's problem by giving them a good "Christian" answer or formula and patting them on the back with a smile. God has to make Himself real to that person in His own time, in His own way. Only He knows the best way to meet them where they are, the best way to set them free by speaking His truth to their heart.

This week (and this month) I have been overwhelmed by life on several different occasions. My "whelms" this week had to do with homework, missing cameras, deadlines, tests, and lack of sleep. But over and above all these things, I would have to say my biggest "whelm" on a continual basis is relationships. How to correctly pursue, maintain, and develop relationships is a continual challenge for me. In the face of the very real issues people in my life are struggling with, most of the time I find myself lost for words. But I'm beginning to think that's a good thing, because it forces me to point them to the One Who is never lost for words. "But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears..." John 16:13. His words are the only ones that can set a person free. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32).

As I sat soaking in the beautiful music tonight, the words of another song came to mind:

There is none like you
No one else can touch my heart like you do
I could search for all eternity long and find,
There is none like You.

Most days I still feel inadequate, I still wish I had something more to offer the people I love. But I am more convinced every day that what I need to be offering them is less words and more ears. Less intellect and more heart. Less of my own babbling, more of God's truth and how it is slowly transforming me... one day at a time.

Thank you Lord that You put us together, and You know How to speak to us like no one else can. Thank you for simple moments that give us small glimpses of the way things are meant to be, the way I imagine they will be in heaven. Thank You for using these moments to speak truth to us as well, even sometimes without words. Thank you that You did not leave us alone to struggle here, but You became one of us, entering into our frustrations and pain as a human. Thank you that You came to set us free. For myself and for my friends, I ask that You would help us to see the truth. The truth about who we are, but more importantly who You are, and what that means for each day. May You speak truth to us about our specific struggles and burdens, and help our hearts to be receptive. Lord if You can use my mouth, my hands, my ears to help someone understand Your truth on a greater level, do so. Help me not to get in the way of Your work in another's life in any way. May I be open to Your truth as you choose to show it to me, however You choose to show me. Help me to see it as something beautiful that sets me free, not something to run from. Thank you for the amazing gift of Your Spirit, who is here to "guide us into all truth."

2007-08-25T23:10:00.000-05:00

An Honest Look

Week one at the "new college" is ending. Some days it feels more like a month. Already we are slipping into routines, and figuring out "how things work." For example, in the all girls dorm where I live, Mayfield, we have all learned when you flush the toilets, you must yell, "Hot Water!" if someone is taking a shower. Then those in the shower are to respond with a, "Thank you!" Sometimes, however, we forget. This is not a good thing.

Another thing we've learned is that checking your mail-box is a full time job. Once we learn to open them, we come up with excuses to pass by the student center so we can check our mail... several times a day. Usually we press our face against our box and squint our eyes to see if we have any "gold" and either groan or jump up and down and say, "I have mail! There's something in my mailbox!" This week we've been standing around mailboxes in clusters, trying to help each other get them open. (There really is a trick!) Most of the things we do usually earn us a snicker or a smirk from the upperclassmen who are observing our little charades. One day we were standing in line at the bookstore, chattering and discussing our plans for the day and the next class, when a woman standing in line behind us summed us up in one word when she inquired, "Freshmen?" The girls I was with laughed and nodded politely, and I just smiled right along with them. I feel like a freshmen all over again some days. But that's not all bad. :)

Going to college at a far away place offers many opportunities to learn new things. Not all of these lessons are pleasant, however. This last week has been intense. It's been a time of excitement, homesickness, inspiration... and exhaustion. It's been amazing to sit in class and listen to a teacher pray, to sit on the floor of a dorm room with a group of girls worshiping with nothing but a guitar and our simple songs. I've had moments of inspiration while singing a song in chapel, moments of pure excitement when I get a chance to sit and have a meaningful conversation with a new friend. I've also had moments of frustration over the apparently instantaneous relationships some girls seem to have made with the guys on campus. We've been here a week and already we see couples walking around campus holding hands. There have been moments of adjustment, which everyone is going through at the same time as we learn to live with someone else.

The hardest lesson I have been faced with in all of this, however, has not been one from a book. The hardest thing for me to swallow so far is seeing myself as I really am. I have discovered I am not half as mature as I hoped I was, not as selfless, and definitely not as devoted. There is no hiding in a new place like this. All the rubbish (as we call it here in Mayfield in honor of the "rubbish bins" where our trash goes) in my heart that had been nicely decorated has been brought out into the open. The decorations gone, I feel very much like Isaiah, "Woa is me! ... I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty." Isaiah 6:5.

There have been a few times I have felt overwhelmed by my complete unworthiness, by the image I saw when then veil was ripped away. "What am I doing here Lord? I am not worthy to even speak your name. My heart is so desperately unclean. I'm not even worthy to speak your name. Woa is me!"

One day as I was working through some of this in my mind, I opened my Bible to read the next few verses in the chapter I had been reading the previous day in Hebrews. "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons; 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves..." Hebrews 12:5-6. Truthfully, something in me always groans when I read this passage, because I don't want to be disciplined! Who does? But this time as I read these words, I had a different picture in my mind. It seemed as if God was wrapping me in his arms, even as I felt my heart being pierced with the painful revelation of who I really am. Rather than a frowning dictator standing over me, shaking his head in disappointment at my failure, it seemed God was assuring me, "Even this is a sign of my love for you. I already know you from the inside out, and I love you."

We sang a song in chapel last night, and there was one line that caught my attention. It went something like this, "I want to be Yours from the inside out." I'm sure those aren't the exact words, but the meaning has stayed with me. What a great thing to pursue, today and for the rest of my life; learning to love God from the inside out.

If this is what it takes to get there, then so be it Lord. Help me cooperate with your training program. Father, I am so unworthy, but You already knew that when You took a hold of my heart strings and drew me to Yourself. I am a slow learner God. I feel like I am still learning some of the same lessons over an over. Thank you for your patience. And thank you for putting us in the middle of circumstances in which we have no choice but to go back or grow... and going back is not an option. Yes, thank you even for Your discipline, for it is also a present reminder of Your infinite love for us. Help me learn what you want me to here Lord. Teach me to love you from the inside out, with a pure heart.

2007-07-15T20:51:00.000-05:00

Captured

I held my breath as I watched the men wearing black steal her away in the dark. But I knew someone else was watching too. He dove into the water after her captors, frantically swimming to catch up with the boat that was carrying her away faster and faster. The chase went on, and she was stolen away to a dark place, to an erie castle where there were cruel men who held her hostage. They put her in a cage with no bars and no locks. It was just a short piece of rock overhanging an infinite black pit. There was only one way out, by a bridge which had only one lever, on the opposite side of the gaping hole. As I watched these events play out on the screen, my eyes grew wide in anticipation. "Where is he?" I thought, "And how is he going to get to her?"

And of course, he found a way. Coming to the castle unarmed, he announced his presence to the men waiting for him and asked to be led to the master of the castle. He informed them he had a message from the king, but he wished to know first that the lady was unharmed. Then he asked to see her. Annoyed by his presence and suspecting no threat, the "bad guy" let him go. My heart began to beat faster. They led him into the cage with no locks, and he looked across at the lady, meeting her eyes, as if to reassure her that all would be well. When they attempted to lead him back, he refused, and with a few quick movements he had knocked one out and sent the other tumbling into the pit. He quickly pulled the lever, lowering the bridge. Even as he did voices echoed in the tunnel, and there were more men to fight. He screamed for her to jump onto the bridge, and she clung to the edge while he fought off more of the villains. When she finally made it to the other side, they ran out together, hearing their pursuers angry shouts behind them. I took a deep breath. Even though they still had to go over a waterfall to make it out of the castle safely, somehow I knew it would be okay, because she was with him.

What a classic story. While the rest of the movie may not have had a happy ending, my mind is still occupied with those few intense moments, my heart still races as I ponder the brave rescue. I thought about how much I wanted the brave knight to reach her. The more I thought about it, the more I was reminded of a real life drama playing out all around me.

I watch their face as they describe a flood that brought destruction to their hometown, I look into their eyes and see the emptiness as they share their frustration with life. I hear the weariness in their voices as I watch them do their best to make it through another long day. Sometimes they hide it behind laughter, sometimes they appear so confident and in control, and I'm sure there are moments when they feel truly alive. But what happens when those moments pass? Henry David Thoreau says it well, "The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation." They are not just people I read about in a story. They surround me everyday. Some of them are people I know. People I love. As I watch them my heart breaks for them, and I cry out in desperation, "Please God, rescue them!"

2 Timothy 3:26 says they have been captured by a merciless enemy to do his will, Satan himself. Like the story, there is only one way they can escape from their prison without locks, a prison they walk and live and breath in every day. Below all they can see is blackness. No matter how much positive thinking they do, no matter how much they may try to ignore the situation, there is only one way out. Over the bridge. There is only one person who can rescue them. Jesus. I am convinced that once they grab onto him, once they choose to let go of the wall and trust him to bring them safely to eternity, they will be okay.

I know that because I have been there. He came after me, he rescued me, and he is with me today. I know I am safe when I'm with him, and I know he will never leave me. Now, let me tell you what I didn't say. I didn't say there wouldn't be any more scary parts in the story. I didn't say all their problems would go away. Remember the story? They still had to run away and go over a waterfall to get away from the bad guys. And on top of that, they had to ride through the rain to get back home. Things were just as complicated, if not more from that point on. The rescue had succeeded, they made the bad guy mad. Of course there would be trouble. But now... there is hope. The bumpy ride wont last forever. Eternity is a long time, and it can start right now for those willing to grab on, to trust completely in Jesus. For those who choose to take him at his word, to believe that he can and will bring them through this life, and will plead their case before the Judge of the earth once and for all, as well as moment by moment.

But you know what scares me the most about this true story? That they will stay in the dungeon. Can you imagine what the reaction would be if, after the brave knight risks his life for her, killing of all the bad guys, quickly lowering the bridge and screaming, "Get on!" the lady just looked at him and said, "Thanks for the effort, really... I appreciate it, but I kind of like it here. I don't think I want to come with you." People would be furious! You know why that's not how the movie goes? Because no one would go and see it! Yet what if my friends have the chance to escape and they don't take it?

This subject has been on my mind for a few weeks now. I think God has been trying to get my attention, as things I've been reading and hearing and watching have all seemed to come back to this one difficult subject. I have been trying to figure it out for years. How do I communicate all of this to the people in my life? What part do I play in their rescue? Am I doing my job? How can I possibly do justice to this message without sounding cliche and triggering the stereotype shields in their brain when it comes up? I don't have the answers to any of these questions. All I know is that it hurts to see them trapped, and it hurts to just stand and watch. But this I do know: as a wise woman once said, "They don't need me, they need Jesus."

Lord, please have mercy. I am inadequate for this task, but I so badly want to see them rescued. My heart aches for them. Chase them Lord. Chase them until you catch them. Tackle them if you have to. Snatch them from the fire Lord, and from the despair that envelops a life without you in it. Show me what You want me to do. I don't want to miss it Lord. Put me in the right place at the right time, open the doors and open my mouth to speak clearly. Don't let my courage be snatched from me at the opportune moment. Don't let me shrink back. Open their hearts Lord. Nothing can change until You catch them. Show us what part You would have us play in the Divine chase, the Divine rescue. Thank you Lord for loving us enough to come after us. Thank you for rescuing me.

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13-14.

Photo by Ben Bird http://www.flickr.com/photos/minkypaw/

2007-05-30T20:24:00.000-05:00

Beautiful Moments
"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,"

My heart began to race and a smile slowly crept across my face. I began to slowly move my head back and forth in time with the melody without words that was making its way through the speakers in my car straight to my heart. "How can it be so powerful?" I wondered. "There aren't even any words." I wanted to close my eyes and enjoy the beautiful harmonies that moved together so perfectly, almost like a dance. However, I decided against that since my car was moving. I sighed.

"Lord, if You want me to be married someday... could You please send me someone who can enjoy a beautiful song with me?"

I'm right here.

As I neared the end of the walking path, breathing heavily and feeling a little warm, I thought I felt something wet touch my skin. I looked up at the sky, where numberous beams of sunlight had begun to overtake the clouds. I shrugged and thought maybe it was just my imagination, until several more drops fell onto my arms. Soon there could be no doubt. Rain was steadily pouring from the sky, patches of golden sunlight illuminating the drops as they fell. I smiled and tilted my head toward the sky. Thanks Lord, I needed this. Although I was close to my car, I slowed down and took a deep breath to enjoy the sound and the smell of the rain. The park was particularly empty, and as I considered getting back into my car once again, it seemed a shame to waste this perfectly good sun shower. So, instead of doing the practical thing, I spun around a few times in the empty parking lot with my arms at my sides. I then climbed up on some wet playground equipment to listen for just a little longer. It occurred to me then how much of a little kid I still am.

God, could You send me someone who will dance in the rain with me?

I'm right here.

The day had been long and tiring. I pulled to stop at the red light, on my way home from work. I didn't have far to travel. Leaning my head back against the seat, I noticed the sun was hiding behind the trees off to my left. The light turned green and I drove across the highway, keeping my eyes on the sun to see what it would do when it emerged from its hiding place. As soon as I passed the last building, the sun seemed practically jumped out from behind it, pouring over the open fields that stretched out before me, turning the ordinary everyday sight into a masterpiece. As if the artist had spent hours hunched over the scene, the colors were rich and perfectly blended. I turned my attention to the lush pinks and reds spread across the horizon and shook my head thinking, "There will never be another one like it." I couldn't take my eyes from it. When I could delay no longer on the main road, I pulled into the first curve in the drive and lingered there another minute. I could sense the question coming again. Maybe it was silly... maybe it was my imagination, but as I sat there attempting to engrave the scene in my memory, before the question could even fully materialize, these words took their place:

It's for you. Is it better than roses?

There's no comparisson Lord. Thank you that I don't have to wait for someone to enjoy these moments with, because You're right here.

I love you.

I know.

2007-05-03T06:23:00.000-05:00

"Did God really say He will provide?"

I didn't hear the words audibly, but I felt their impact as I stared at the financial aid report on the computer screen. "It's better than it was." I thought as I looked at the modified bottom line. It seemed I could hear the clang of a cash register in my mind, and the numbers began to haunt me as I realized the size of the loan I was going to have to take out. "Lord I still think this is where You want me..." I closed the screen and thought, "Well, You own the cattle on a thousand hills. I need You to sell a few for me."

As I took a walk later that night, my mind again felt numb as I considered the logistics. How could I possibly come up with the sum of money that was expected? I felt the unspoken prompt from Satan worm its way into my soul once again,

"Did God really say He would provide?"

God? What do You say about this?

In a moment, different words filled my mind, the source of which I had no cause to doubt,

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith."

I lifted my head to take in the towering trees above me, which had just burst into a green canopy after a long grey spell due to the freeze. For a long time it had seemed the leaves would never come. I smiled, remembering the day I asked God what I would do about clothes at school. At the very moment I was asking, someone was handing my mom a sack for me with a new outfit in it. Later that person would comment, "I just felt like I was supposed to buy you some clothes."

"Did God really say He would provide?"

This morning as I dried my hair, my weak heart again took a step backwards, wondering... worrying over the possibility of it all. Before I could even ask, the still small voice reminded me,

What is impossible with men is possible with God. You are the man... get the picture?

"Did God really say He would provide?"

Yes, He did. Now beat it Satan!

Thank you Lord that You paid the ultimate price for me. Once for all time. After that, everything is just an added bonus. Father I have seen You take care of me so many times in the past. Help me in my foolish unbelief. When Satan creeps around and tempts me to doubt You, send Him flying Lord. Bring Your words back to my heart. Thank you that You are trustworthy Lord. I trust You to lead me in this new adventure, one step at a time.

2007-03-05T20:31:00.000-06:00

A Backward Way of Thinking

It's haunted us since kindergarten. Through grade-school, middle school, and high-school we knew. It's NOT cool to be the last one picked. Most of us have had the experience of standing on the baseball diamond or the basketball court with a group of our peers, holding our breath, waiting to hear our name. But someone had to be last, and sometimes that someone was us. Many of us carry that picture with us for the rest of our life. We make a secret promise to ourselves that someday, we'll be the first one picked. Everyone will want us to be on their team.

Then, along comes a man named Jesus. We think, "I've heard about him! If I get to know him, I bet everybody will want me on their team. Life will be great. I'll finally be the first one picked." God just smiles and says, "You come play for my team, and I'll show you how this works."

Jesus explained to his disciples this very thing, even as they were calling dibs on the "front seats" in heaven.

"You've observed how godless rulers throw their weight around, how quickly a little power goes to their heads. It's not going to be that way with you. Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave. That is what the Son of Man has done: He came to serve, not be served—and then to give away his life in exchange for the many who are held hostage." Matthew 20:25-28 (The Message).

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this concept. Perhaps it goes back to those playground experiences. I naturally want to be first. I want it to be about me. But it's NOT about me.

There's something strange about this though. On those rare occasions when I find myself at the top of the pyramid,it's not necessasrily everything I thought it would be. Of course there are times when it feels great to be number one, for a while at least. But when my only motivation is to be first and I put all my energy toward that goal, when I finally make it there I find my hands are empty. My trophy turned to dust, sifting through my fingers, carried away by the wind.

Oddly enough, the opposite seems to happen when I choose to focus my efforts on building somebody else up. When I choose to willingly be the last player picked, for the sake of someone else, God rewards my efforts. That doesn't always mean being the first one picked, at least not here on earth. But if I want to be in the starting line-up on God's team, I must be willing to be last here one earth.

I love how Jesus describes it, "Here it is again, the Great Reversal: many of the first ending up last, and the last first." Matthew 20:16 (The Message).

Here is another byproduct when we choose to do things God's way:

"...those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed." Proverbs 11:25.

I guess he knew what He was talking about.

I wonder, what would happen if I was having a bad day, and instead of complaining, "I need someone to encourage me," I looked around for someone else who needed help out of the pit of despair, and held out my hand to them? It's what God does for me every day. And after all...

"...I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40.

Lord, expand my vision. Open my eyes to see beyond myself. Open my eyes to the opportunities to be a servant, even to be last, so that You can be first. Help me to see them as opportunites to please you, and help me not to grumble. Jesus was my ultimate example. Help me never forget to be grateful for His choice to be last, so that I could be on Your team. Thank you.

2007-02-14T07:47:00.000-06:00

"For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:5

I LOVE Valentine's Day. Sometimes when I tell people this, they give me a strange look and I feel somewhat like a little girl who just told someone they are going to be a princess when they grow up. "That's nice." I picture them saying while patting her on the head. I'm sure people find it odd that I get so excited about it, because I've never received a "romantic" Valentine in my life. I've never even really had a date. But for some reason, when the month of February comes around and all the decorations and candy and teddy bears start lining the shelves, I still jump up and down inside (and sometimes outside) when I see that Valentine's Day is coming. I told one of my friends once, I think I've figured out part of the reason for this. Valentine's Day is a vivid splash of color in the midst of a long stretch of grey winter that can leave me feeling rather grey myself some days.

This Valentine's Day, I stopped before running ahead with work for the day to take a look outside at the beautiful Valentine God sent. The ground is covered in a blanket of white, sparkling snow, and as the sun peeked over the trees, it made the snow light up with beautiful shades of pink and gold. Under my window there is a bright red cardinal, hopping around looking for food in the snow. As I sat down to this picture, a song came to mind. I hope it adds a splash of color to your soul this Valentine's Day, as it did for me.

"O Worship the King, O glorious above

And gratefully sing His wonderful love;

Our shield and Defender the Ancient of Days,

Pavilioned in splendor, and girded with praise.

Frail children of dust, and feeble as frail;

In thee do we trust, nor find thee to fail.

Thy mercies how tender how firm to the end,

Our maker, Defender, Redeemer and friend."

Thank you Father that your love never fails, and You are our perfect Valentine. Even though this life is usually not a bed of roses, thank you for the gifts you send every day that touch our heart. May you open our eyes to see them today, and remind us of your unfailing love. Thank You Father, may we learn to love You with all our hearts, souls and minds.

2007-02-10T15:08:00.000-06:00

Have you ever sensed you were exactly where God wanted you to be? Right smack in the middle of his will? Normally when I envision being where God wants me, I picture myself "ministering" to people and being "effective." I picture measurable change in others and myself. So what's wrong with this picture? First, there's way too much "I" and "me" smeared all over that picture. It makes things a little blurry. The second thing wrong with this picture is: it's not necessarily realistic. Of course, there are those times we can see growth in leaps and bounds, both in ourselves and others. Yes, there are times we feel like we have front row seats at the parting of a Red Sea in our own lives. But there are also plenty of times I fail to see anything good or constructive results in my situation. I don't necessarily doubt that God is working. Mostly I feel disappointed with myself. I feel like I have failed, and something must be wrong with me.

In fact, something IS wrong with me. Something has been wrong with me since the day I was born. It's called sin. But wait a minute, didn't God take care of that at the cross? Absolutely. "When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross." Colossians 2:13-14. Although sin still rears it's ugly head, sometimes on a daily basis, God has provided a way to deal with it: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9. Why does he do that? "If anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense- Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins..." 1 John 2:1. Because I am now God's child, I know God looks at me through Jesus, who made the way for me to enter God's family.

As I recognize, with extreme gratitude, these truths about who I am, there still remains a question in my mind. If I am doing my best to walk with God one step at a time in my daily life, recognizing and turning away from my sin when I become aware of it, will I always see results? Should I always be able to recognize and feel God working through me? If I don't, does that mean I'm not where God wants me to be?

Last week my mind was wandering as I sat in a group of people. (It does this far too often I'm afraid.) I was wandering through the tangled web of my own thoughts. I felt tired, emotionally and physically, and I wondered if I would ever move on and be "normal." I'd been slowly working through some grief issues over the past few months, feeling at times as if I was slowing the process down. I honestly don't remember now what we were talking about that night, but as I sat there staring at my Bible on the floor and working through my thoughts, I sensed God's gentle and quiet whisper. "Kara, I have you exactly where I want you." This statement took me by surprise. I thought of all the prayers I pray to get beyond certain situations, for the pain to go away, to be used by God. You mean, God's will isn't just something I hit every once in a while when my aim is just right? I determined that night to look into the statement more. Before I could, however, God made a point to bring the answer to me, both from His word and from crash courses.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9.

"The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord." Proverbs 16:33.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1

"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory."

Psalm 73: 23-24

Kevin remarked in Bible Study a few weeks ago that this was a hard passage to swallow. I understood what he was saying at the time, but I understood it from experience this week.

Concerning his "thorn in the flesh" Paul says: "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10.

Even when we find ourselves in situations where all we can see is our weaknesses, our failures, and our UN qualifications, God is still working out His plan in our lives. Being in the center of God's will has very little to do with me, and everything to do with God.

I have you exactly where I want you, and My grace is sufficient for you.

Father, it's easy for me to forget these truths. When I find myself in a disturbing or difficult situation, help me listen carefully to hear you whisper, "I have you exactly where I want you." This is an amazing truth Lord. Your purposes will be accomplished no matter how much I mess up. Thank you that You allow me to be on Your side. Thank you that Your hands are big enough to hold me, and the rest of the world.

Photo courtesy of my brilliant photographer brother Ben. :) Thanks Ben! http://www.flickr.com/photos/minkypaw/

2007-01-24T20:32:00.000-06:00

God in the trenches

Did you know God isn't afraid of dirt? (I guess this shouldn't come as a surprise since, after all, He is God and He made man from it.) God doesn't avoid the mud and the ugly parts of our life. He doesn't just meet us at church on Sunday and then push us out the door, smiling and waving goodbye like a grandpa who's relieved to have a break from his overactive grandchildren. He walks with us through the tantrums, through tears, and through the trenches.

I saw a movie last week about a town that lost an entire football team. Athletic directors, coaches, and more... were all gone in a single plane crash. I cried as I watched wives, fathers, children, and even a fiance grieve the loss of the people they loved. As I reached for my Kleenex I thought, "Wow, I've never lost someone really close to me. I wonder how you get through something like that." The very next day, I began to learn how.

I was on my way to work after class when my mom passed me in her car. She was headed toward school, so I knew she was looking for me. I pulled off to the side of the road and rolled down my window, "Don't go to work, come home. I need to talk to you," she said. I didn't ask anything else. My mind and stomach began to spin, slowly at first, then faster. From my radio I heard these words:

Hold fast, help is on the way.
Hold fast, He's come to save the day.
What I've learned in my life, one thing greater than my strife is Your grace. Hold fast.

This calmed the spinning a little, and I sent up a quick prayer for whatever was ahead. When I arrived home I learned that a friend from work was killed in a car accident that morning. My mom had known her longer than I had, and we both knew this wonderful woman was home with her Savior. But that didn't make it any less painful. There were days I felt like crawling under the nearest desk, blanket, or whatever was available to cry for a few hours. Some days I felt like the tears would never stop, other days I felt like they were locked up inside me, which almost hurt worse. I still have those days. I'm not sure how this grief thing works, or how long it will take. But I do know that God is here, in the trenches.

I heard him speak in the words, and sometimes just the melody of a song, when nothing else could reach me. I smiled as I watched fluffy diamonds fall from the sky on the day of the funeral... or were those feathers from God's wings which I was hiding under? I felt his touch when a friend called just to check on me, sent a timely e-mail, card, or traveled from far away to be with me. I felt his presence when mom worked beside me while I cried, held my hand at the funeral, and listened when I was ready to talk. Even when I was completely alone I opened His Word and He was there.

"I lift my eyes to the hills -- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

"For such is God, Our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death." Psalm 48:14

"Lord you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations." Psalm 90:1

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1-2

Of course there were also days when it seemed God was silent, and those days do seem very long. But as a wise friend pointed out in her blog, God has a purpose for those days too.

Yes, in this life we will go through the trenches, and we will wonder at times if we will survive them. But I am so thankful God goes with us through those trenches, even when I cannot see Him. He is not afraid of our pain.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me everything that brings you glory
And I know there will be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise you
Jesus bring the rain.
-Mercy Me

Thank you Father that You are not a God who only walks with us when things are smooth and we are responding to everything perfectly. Thank you that You walk with us through the trenches, giving us more grace. Thank you for being our safe place of refuge, whatever comes our way in this life.

2007-01-10T20:30:00.000-06:00

Amazed by Grace

Before the sound of my alarm clock reached me, something else was dancing through my mind that morning. Even before I was fully awake I was aware of it. It was a few simple lines from a song I haven't heard in months:

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day I fall on my knees
Because your grace still amazes me

I couldn't get it out of my head. Over and over it played. The day went on as usual, but those words stayed with me. I wondered why God had chosen to implant those words in my mind that morning.

The dictionary defines grace as "the love and favor of God toward man."

But I think it's a whole lot more than that:

God's grace enables us to receive blessings from His hand.

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:17

God's grace gives us new life... eternal life.

"For if, by the trespasses of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ." Romans 5:17

God's grace cost us nothing, and Jesus everything.

"For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich." 2 Corinthians 8:9

Because of God's grace, when our strength fails, His begins.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Through God's grace, we can be redeemed, set free, and washed clean once and for all.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:7-8

God's grace is the only hope we have for salvation.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God..." Ephesians 2:9

And finally, God's grace is what enables us to keep going, no matter how badly or how often we fail.

"But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to humble.'" James 3:6

As I look at that list, I think there is probably a lot more to grace than I can fully comprehend. I wonder how often I forget to be amazed by grace. How often do I take the time to say, "Thank you God, for you amazing, undeserved favor. I don't understand it, but I know if I didn't have it, I would be in a serious mess."

I wonder how my life would be different if I sang that song more often, if I took the time to be amazed by grace. Would it affect my relationships with other people? Would my mind be so overwhelmed by the grace I receive every single day that I wouldn't have time to stop and criticize someone else? Would my heart be so full of gratitude that it wouldn't have room for my complaints about the weather, traffic, or school? I wonder, would I look at my circumstances, struggles, and tribulations differently?

Hey, I've got an idea. Let's find out!

"But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen." 2 Peter 3:18

2007-01-03T14:41:00.000-06:00

Not By Sight

I gripped my steering wheel and pushed myself back into my seat. The squeak of my windshield wipers was becoming more frequent. As I cranked up their speed, my speedometer dipped lower. The rain wasn't heavy, but it was blowing enough to hamper my ability to see the road. Someone in a car behind me grew frustrated and soon passed me. I just hung onto the steering wheel and prayed. That was a time I guess you could say I had to drive by faith, not by sight, because I couldn't really see.

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7 I think I often connected that verse with "big" or "important" events in my life. But today I realized, every time I turn around there is another opportunity to choose to live by faith, not by sight. An opportunity to choose to trust God when I don't feel like things are right. Would you care to take a stroll with me through my day?

Wednesday January 3, 2007

8 am: The minute my alarm goes off, I'm scrolling through my mental checklist for the day. I rub my eyes. Can I get it all done? Do I want to get it all done?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

11 am: I'm reading the weather forecast at work, but my mind is somewhere else, occupied with details of scholarships to be filled out, essays I have to write, all the extra paraphernalia to include, the deadlines approaching like an avalanche, and the likelihood of actually receiving them. Is that a head-ache I feel coming on?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

12 pm: Time to grab a bite to eat. Yikes, how am I ever going to get rid of these extra Christmas pounds I gained over vacation. Will I ever learn to be balanced?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

1 pm: Speaking of balance, it's time to balance the checkbook. Numbers, numbers. How do they disappear so fast? Will I have enough to pay for school? What about this time next year? Will there be enough?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

1:30 pm: I sit in the business office of the college. My vision blurs a little as a woman searches the records for a scholarship that seems to have sprouted legs and run away. I'm glad you don't need scholarships to get into heaven.

"We live by faith, not by sight."

1:45 pm: Can books really cost that much?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

2:30 pm: I look for things to put into scholarship packets, but can't find a whole lot. Will they even take a second look at my application?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

3:00 pm: I'm tired and ready for a nap, but sit down to catch up on some things before a meeting at 3:30. Will life always wear me out?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

3:45 pm: I add another mark to my calendar, which is growing black with scribbles from my pen. Will I be able to juggle this schedule?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

8:15 pm: Work is over and the day is drawing to a close. I can think of several things I shouldn't have said, and twice as many thoughts I should not have entertained. Will I ever get it right?

"We live by faith, not by sight."

8:20 pm: I sit still and listen to one of my favorite songs. I take a deep breath, and I remember that God is the blessed controller of all things.

"We live by faith, not by sight."

God, help me recognize the stresses of this life as opportunities to grow my trust in you. Help me recognize the choice and choose to walk by faith. Thank you that you are trustworthy.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Thought outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

2006-12-03T01:29:00.000-06:00

God vs. Santa Clause?

I watched a movie this weekend called, "A Boyfriend For Christmas." (Stick with me here.) :) In this movie a thirteen year old girl asks Santa for a boyfriend for Christmas. He leaves a snow globe under her tree, with words inscribed on the bottom that basically say, "In 20 years, I'll send the right man your way." When she's 33, after growing bitter about the holidays and going through a bad ex-boyfriend situation, on Christmas morning a hunk shows up on her door-step with a Christmas tree and a big bow on his shirt and says, "Hi, I'm your Christmas present." Being the heathen that I am, I thought, "Where's mine?"

Why can't it be that easy God? Why don't you just drop the perfect man on my doorstep for Christmas?

What's that? She waited? I know she waited. I've waited too. Okay, not twenty years... but a little while.

But God, when will the timing be right? What if the timing is never right?

I know you know what's best for me. Yes, I know I can only be complete in You. But God, it's really hard to get my heart to agree with my head some days. What do I do with this?

Look

I'm looking at Your Word God, show me. How do I deal with my heart?

Remember

Remember? Remember what God?

Remember who I am

"Is there any God besides Me, or is there any other Rock?" Isaiah 44:8

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable." Isaiah 40:28

Remember what I've Done

"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 3:13-14

Remember you are mine

"and you belong to Christ; and Christ belongs to God." 1 Corinthians 3:23

"Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1

And Kara?

Yes?

In your wildest dreams you can't imagine what I'm getting ready for you

"THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD, AND WHICH HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN, ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM." 1 Corinthians 2:9

So does this mean I can't have a boyfriend for Christmas? Just kidding. :)

Thank you God for NOT being like Santa Clause. Thank you that you see so much more than the here and now. Thank you that you know and are able to do what is best for us, and you are able to sustain us and pull us through until our hearts finally agree with our heads. Work on my wandering heart Lord. Teach me how to delight in You, to rest in You, and help me not waste a moment by wishing to be somewhere besides where you have me right now.

2006-11-15T21:39:00.000-06:00

Wow...

You know what I find amazing about God? I can come to him any time.

I don't have to wait until my attitude turns from Scrooge to Polyanna; I can be honest with Him and ask for His help in correcting it.
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me... restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:10,12.

I don't have to wait until I figure everything out; He wants to give me understanding.
"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5.

"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." James 1:8

I don't have to hide what I'm ashamed of; I can let Him heal my brokenness when I am honest about my sins and my wounds.
"But you, O Sovereign Lord, deal well with me for your name's sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me." Psalm 109:21-22.

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin." Psalm 51:1-2.

I don't have to leave a message or call back later; He is waiting to talk with me every moment of the day.
"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

I don't have to struggle to explain my confusion, frustration or pain; He's the one who made me.
"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul." Psalm 31:7

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." Hebrews 10:19-22.

2006-11-08T22:34:00.000-06:00

A Sacrifice of Praise?

There were people around me, but I felt far away. They were talking, I was listening. But the more they talked, the more tense I became. I rested my head on the top of my chair, studying the floor closely. My arms were fastened around the back of the chair, as if maybe it could shield me from life. I thought I already learned to deal with change Lord? Why am I so afraid when I sense it coming on? I closed my eyes, wishing I could just spray some detangler on the muscles in my stomach and comb them out. "Get a grip Kara, focus on your work." I tried to tell myself. I was able to finish what needed to be done, but I fought the urge to lock myself in the bathroom and cry (or scream) several times that night.

The urge didn't go away the next day.

What do I do with this God? How do I deal with this?

The answer seemed simple.

Bring me your sacrifice of praise.

Something inside me urged me to run the other way.

What was that God?

Turn your eyes to me. Bring me your sacrifice of praise. I'll teach you how.

That's what I thought you said.

So what exactly is a sacrifice of praise? And what does it have to do with the situation described above? Here's what God has been showing me.

When I think of a sacrifice, I think of giving something up. Not for the sake of just giving it up, but for the sake of the One you are doing it for. Because He's worth it. I think of David. In 2 Samuel 24:24 he says, "...for I will not offer burnt offerings to the LORD my God which cost me nothing."

What does it cost to bring a sacrifice of praise? For me, I have discovered it costs my selfishness. If my hands are going to be free to offer up a sacrifice of praise, they must be emptied of my self-interest first. This includes my fears, pride, insecurity, jealousy, anger, bitterness, and just plain selfishness. I find myself wanting to hold on to the hurt, wallow in my fear and make my pity-party last just a little bit longer. But I have to learn to open my hands and let those things fall to the floor, or I'll never grow. Offering a sacrifice of praise can be costly, but it's worth it.

I'm beginning to understand that I am faced with a choice every day. When I find myself in a situation where I am out of my comfort zone, when I don't like what's happening around me, or when I am afraid, I can do one of two things. I can continue to dwell on the circumstances that are making me uncomfortable, or I can recognize that God is in control of each of those circumstances and choose to praise Him. Even if all I can says is, "Thank you God that You are in control, and you know what You're doing, even when I don't." As I continue to do this, God helps me loosen my grip more and more, so my hands can be free to bring more sacrifices. Does it cost me something? Most of the time, yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

But these choices aren't all about gritting our teeth and "just do it" or "get'r done". There is one more thing that happens when we make them. We experience God's peace. (Supernatural stomach detangler!) :) For me, it may not always come right away. But, the more I practice choosing to bring my worries and stresses before God, thanking Him that He can handle them, the more this happens:

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

How does the Monsanto commercial go? "Now that's peace of mind you can't put a price on." I couldn't agree more.

Lord it's really hard for me to let go some days and trust that You can handle what's going on around me. But I thank you that You are teaching me to do this more and more, one day at a time. Help us not to give up Lord. Teach us how to get to the place where we continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to You. I feel like it's going to take me a long time Lord, but thank you that You will walk with me every step of the way. I love You Lord. Thank you for loving me first.

Here are a couple of thoughts I found really helpful this week:
(Note: These suggestions, and probably many of the thoughts in this blog came from or stemmed from Linda Dillow's book, Calm My Anxious Heart. I urge you to check it out. Great book. Tami can tell you. :) Ultimately the thoughts below are based on Philippians 4:6-8.)

1. Choose to give my anxieties to God.
(This is a moment by moment thing for me... not just once in the morning and then I'm done.)
2. Choose to pray specifically.
3. Choose to be thankful.
4. Choose to dwell on the positive.
(This is not just the power of positive thinking, see Philippians 4:8)

2006-10-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

Letting Go

I am not a parent, but this week I got a glimpse or two of what it feels like to be one. It was the scariest feeling in the world. (Now all of you mothers out there are smiling.) When you look into the wrinkled red-face of a screaming baby and wish he could just tell you what’s wrong, it’s unnerving. On the other hand, when you look at the unvoiced pain in the eyes of a child in grade-school and wonder if they are screaming inside, it can be even more unnerving. When I look in the eyes of my friends and see their heart—bruised, trampled on, and torn to pieces, I just want to sit and cry. Sometimes I even wonder, like I’m sure moms do, “Have I done enough? Too much? Have I cared enough?” How do they survive is what I want to know! It’s overwhelming. Finally as I paced nervously across the floor one night, I had to learn to do something else moms do. I had to turn off the light, close my eyes… and let go. That’s not the same thing as giving up. Letting go is taking the people you love and placing them in much stronger, more capable hands. Letting go is trusting that those hands know and are able to do what is best, and believing that those hands will never drop what you have entrusted to them. It wasn’t easy. It was hard. I’ll probably have to do it again tonight, and many more nights in the future. I have a way of trying to take them back into my frail hands. But God is not disturbed. He just says, “Let me hold them. I love them more than you do. Let me handle it. I’ll take care of them.”

Heavenly Father, help me trust you completely. Show me how to love, listen, and comfort the people around me who need a glimpse of your love. But help me understand when to reach out, and when to let go. There seems to be a fine line there Lord, and I need your help to see it. Thank you that You are the perfect parent. Help us to come to You with our scraped knees and wounded hearts. Only You can provide healing and comfort like we need. Only You can untangle all the knots inside of us. Help me trust you to do all this… in Your time.

Psalm 73:23-24
“Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory.”

2006-10-15T23:20:00.000-05:00

Changes

Nothing stays the same. Life changes. The weather changes, people change, even the trees get tired of wearing green and trade it in for a new look in the fall. Sometimes change is exciting and fun. Other times, it's downright rotten. It can also be scary. I'm learning to drive a stick-shift. When I'm on a big hill and a person pulls up close behind me, I get a little tense. "Am I going to roll backwards into them? Can I make it through this light? I don't like this!" It may be a little thing, but it seems pretty scary at the time! It's another change. Sometimes I think about changes in the future, and I get scared. I think, "Lord I don't want to get old and watch my family and friends get to heaven before I do." Or, "What's this country going to be like in 20 years, when I'm a grown up?" I don't know the answers to those questions, and they still unsettle me at times. However, because of all these constantly changing variables in my life, I have come to truly appreciate that which does not change.

"I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:23-24

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:28-29

"...God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'" Hebrews 13:5-6

"I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself." Psalm 89:2

"For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods." Psalm 95:3

"Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his, we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:3,5

Even though change stinks sometimes, at least it makes us realize how incredible it is to have unchanging promises, and most importantly an unchanging relationship with the God of the universe.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

2006-10-11T20:58:00.000-05:00

The Real World

"Things we can see, taste, touch, feel, smell, things like that... those are things that make up the natural world."

Hmmm... I thought as I sat in Biology class, listening to my professor.

"Spiritual things, 'religious' things, and stuff like that, you can't really perceive them so they're not part of the natural world. The natural world makes up the 'real world' so to speak."

Does it? Immediately my mind was somewhere besides Biology class. What do you think God? These words were suddenly ringing loud and clear in my ears,

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthains 4:18 (Thanks to Tami who sent me this very verse and reference today!)

Hmm... what is the real world? While I understand the point my professor was trying to make, I couldn't help but dwell on those words from God as he continued talking. I looked around at the tables I could touch, the chair that supported my weight, the people I could see. Yet still I wondered, Is this the real world? The question haunted me most of the afternoon and evening. Finally I pulled out my Bible and looked up the words that had come to me during class, and I think I got my answer. The verses following say this:

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, gauranteeing what is to come." 2 Cor. 5:1-5

It seems to me that this world is just a small part of the real world God has in mind. Here's what God had to say about some other people who had a good grasp of His real world.

(Speaking of Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and others.)

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own... they were longing for a better country-- a heavenly one." Hebrews 11:13-16. Earlier (v.10) it says this city is "...the city with foundations, whose architect and buider is God."

I don't know about you, but I have trouble sometimes remembering: this isn't it. This is just a temporary assignment. This world is all about preparing for the real world. "We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us: Be reconciled to God." 2 Cor. 5:20.

For some reason this gets me fired up. To know that we can be a part of God's real, significant, eternal world! He wants us to be a part of it. He wants it so bad He gave up His son to make it possible! 2 Cor. 5:21 says, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." If you've put all your trust in what Jesus Christ did on the cross to pay your fine, God says you get to be a part of that world, both now and for eternity. How amazing is that!

So what does it mean for us right now while we are here? Besides holding the position of ambassadors from God's World, here's a couple more things:

"For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3.

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthains 5:7

Check out how Moses handled it: "By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king's anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible." Hebrews 11:27

In light of this fallen world we live in, these verses give me such great hope. What amazing truth! And while we're here, we have an unbelievable opportunity to be part of a great adventure, a great "mission trip." Every day we get to watch closely, we get a chance to catch a glimpse of "him who is invisible."

Blessed Assurance
Jesus is mine
Oh what a foretaste of glory divine!
Watching and waiting
Looking above
Filled with His goodness,
Lost in His love.

(note: all italics and bold lettering added by me)

2006-10-07T22:41:00.000-05:00

When Life Beats You Up

It was late, I was tired, and I should have been asleep. But I wasn't. I sat up in bed staring at nothing, my light still on, my Bible in my hand. I was exhausted, but I couldn't get them out of my mind. One by one I saw faces of dear friends in my mind. My insides almost hurt. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I felt like I was handcuffed on the outside of the ring, watching life deliver a swift jab in the stomach, knocking the wind out of them.

God, help! Fight for them!
I am.
God I know Your timing is perfect... but what are you waiting for? Can't you fix it?
I am.
They're getting beat to a pulp in there, I don't understand!
I am.
Why is this so hard Lord? How do we survive this?
I am.

What does that mean? Here's a few verses that gave me a very small, yet big idea:

"Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last, and the living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades." Revelation 1:17-18

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end," Revelation 22:13

And this was my favorite out of this group...

And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." Then He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost."
Revelation 21:3-6 (italics mine).

So how do we survive? We choose to remember WHO is fighting for us. We choose to remember... we've already won! We choose to remember, this is not the final chapter. We choose to believe, even when we can't see, He is making all things new.

As I thought about these verses, I realized God didn't choose to show them to me the night I was struggling with all this. Instead, He prepared me slowly, showing me these words at the end of the week. During that time, He confirmed my inability, so that I could come to rest in His ability. Nothing new I guess... but it never seems to get old either.

2006-09-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

Just a note regarding the last blog... I did something while I was formatting it that made it look a little goofy. I tried to fix it but couldn't quite make it work. I apologize. I Hope it's not too hard to read!

2006-09-23T21:21:00.000-05:00

Things that make me go hmmm...

I found myself surfing blogs today, searching for answers. I didn't realize how much I
was searching until I realized I was looking through one particular bloggers archives, wondering, "Did she write anything about..." I did find some very helpful things, but I finally had to sign off. I couldn't find what I was looking for. Next to me sat my Bible. Hmm... I guess I haven't read that yet today. Do you suppose? Maybe the answers are in there. So I started reading.
Verses like 1 Peter 24-25 and Psalm 19:7-8 give me great hope about my
ultimate source for the ultimate answers.

"All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the
field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord
stands
forever."

"The Law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the
LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the LORD
are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes."

I recognize and appreciate this amazing source of answers, but I have to
say... I still have questions sometimes. I don't think that's always a bad
thing. I think questions make you more aware of what's going on around
you. I think questions keep your eyes open as you search for the
answers. Here's a few that have been bugging me lately, which I don't
have the answers to yet. Credit must go to my good friend Jilian
for the idea of putting questions on my blog. (Because I most definitely
don't have all the answers.) I want to know what you think about some of this stuff. Do you have some clues as to what God has to say about some of it that I might be missing? Just like it's good to have people read things we write to catch typos we miss, I think it's good to have people help clue you in on things you might miss about God's Word. So here goes friends. Here are my questions... I want to know what you think.

1. How do I go about loving the Lord my God with all my heart,
all my soul, and all my mind? (Or is it might?) I know
the churchy answers... what does this look like on a moment by moment
basis? How do I know if I am doing this?
2. How do I become more "real" around people? I steel feel kind
of fake some days. How do I become more authentic, make my
relationship with God more a part of every moment, every day so that
it's just natural?
3. How do I talk to people about what's going on in my life, what's
frustrating, or what's hard without falling into the trap of
complaining?
4. How do I learn to deal and respond to the trials and pressures of
life in a graceful way?
I suppose many of those are similar in nature. Nevertheless, that's what's on my mind. Now it's your turn. What do you think???

2006-09-16T16:36:00.000-05:00

Can you Hear Me Now?

"God help me through this day... I need your strength." That's what I prayed yesterday, feeling unprepared, unworthy, and unsure that God should even answer me. Well... I did survive the day. But when I got to the end of it, the thought briefly occurred to me, "God... where were you?" Today as I look back I wonder, "Hmm... how was my reception?" Because God didn't answer in the way I thought He should, does that mean He's not speaking to me? I wonder how many messages get lost in the static. Do you think maybe some of these things could have been a ring from God?

1. On my way into school, I found a penny on the ground. I started to walk over it, but turned around and picked it up instead. I turned it over in my hand and read the words, "In God We Trust." Can you hear me now?

2. I turned on the radio in the morning at two separate times, and both times I heard these words by Casting Crowns, "Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? ... "Not because of who I am, but because of what you've done, not because of what I've done, but because of who you are. I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow... still you hear me when I'm calling, you catch me when I'm falling, and You've told me who I am. I am Yours." Can you hear me now?

3. While I was getting ready to head to school and give my speech, I was listening to a different CD. It was storming outside, and I was worrying about my speech, wondering whether our presentation would work on the computer if it was storming. Almost exactly at the moment there was a loud rumble of thunder, I heard these words on the song that just happened :) to be playing,"When the storm of life is raging, and the thunder's all I hear, you speak softly to my soul..." Can you hear me now?

4. I hear another favorite on my way to school, one I almost never hear, and it makes me smile and sing along. Can you hear me now?

5. Someone stops to smile at me and ask me how I am. Can you hear me now?

6. A friend in class tells me it's going to be okay when I feel like a complete failure. Can you hear me now?

7. My mom takes time to stop and bring me hot-chocolate and a warm sweater while I'm helping work a late game at work. Can you hear me now?

8. I wake up this morning watching the gorgeous light dance through the leaves and make designs on my curtains, while worship song plays on my radio, "Early in the morning, I will celebrate the light... and when I stumble in the darkness, I will call your name by night." Can you hear me now?

9. I read a verse and words in a friend's blog that pierce my heart and bring tears to my eyes. Can you hear me now?

But wait, what about those times when there's not a pretty song to go along with things? What about those times when it seems He's not listening? When everything seems to be falling apart and going wrong? I wonder... do you think? Maybe? Could God be trying to speak to us then too? Can you hear me now? I'd like to talk with you.

How's your reception today?

Thank you God for meeting us where we are. Open our ears, and tune out the static so we can hear when You're trying to get our attention. One thing I do know... my reception seems to be the clearest when I'm in Your Word. Help me remember that when I think I don't have time. I need You Lord. Every moment, every day. Thank you for being there. Thanks for the messages You send us every day. Help us not to miss them.

2006-09-09T22:14:00.000-05:00

He Knows My Name

Yes you can all groan and roll your eyes. As you can see from the title, I'm going to tell you something you probably already know. But I thought we should celebrate anyway. :) It's worth it. Stay with me here...

Today I was at work and I got a phone-call. We get a lot of phone-calls at the radio station. (That's because we know everything of course... *cough**cough*) :) Anyway... normally these phone calls start out something like, "Can you tell me?" and from there it gets tricky. They ask things like, "How much rain did we get today? What channel is the football game on? What channel is the Nascar Race on? Where is Joe Bob in the point standings? Is it going to frost tonight? When is it safe to uncover my rose bush? What's the score in the football game? How many yards did that quarterback get?" Sometimes we know the answer... sometimes we don't. Some days I enjoy answering the phone... other days I don't. :) Some days... like game day... I'm just grateful for some human contact.

It was game day today. :)

"Good afternoon KWBE."
There was a brief silence and then the a voice on the other end said, "Hello Kara how are you today?"
"I'm good," I replied without thinking.
"This is..."

The rest of the conversation was about a funeral calender we received over the fax machine. Interrestingly enough, now that I think about it, the conversation was all about the person's name. After I hung up, I tried to figure out why I was feeling like I got a boost after a conversation about a funeral callender. (I always knew I was weird.) But then it finally occurred to me. He knew my name. I don't even know who he is, I don't think I've ever spoken to him before... but he knew my name.

Do you ever feel invisible? Like "that one girl... or that one guy... you know the one that sits in the back? No not that one... the one next to her." Do you ever want to stand on a table and say, "Does anybody see me?" Okay, are you ready? Now comes the exiting part... even if everybody else in the world overlooks you, the answer is still YES!

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,"

Isaiah 43:1 "...Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

John 10:3 "He calls his own sheep by name..."

And the most exciting thing of all... I know that my name is written in the book of life because God has offered me His Son's name, and you can't get a better offer than that! "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12

Isn't that exciting! It doesn't get much better than that friends! Feel like celebrating now?

Thank you Lord that You know my name, and you know every detail of my personality, you know every quirk, both fun and annoying... and for some reason You still love me. Thank you that You offered me Your name, so that I could be rescued from my sin and have a relationship with You. Thank you for reminding me Lord. Please keep reminding me. You know my name, and I now bear your name. Wow... what an amazing thought.

2006-09-02T14:48:00.000-05:00

The Tunnel Walk

I can feel it in the air, the angle of the sun... and I can hear it in the commercials on the radio. It's football season. I like football season, but not necessarily because I like football. I like that everybody makes room in their schedule to stop and enjoy each others company once a week, or every couple weeks. (Although I suppose this could be interpreted as a sad thing if we can only make room for each other during footbal season.) :) But that's beside the point. I just like the enviornment Game Day creates. Dad sits on the couch and yells, "Go go go!" Sometimes mom makes food, sometimes my brother and sister-in-law come over, and I sit and watch everyone... and eat the food.

My favorite part of Nebraska football... doesn't really have anything to do with football. I absolutely love... "The Tunnel Walk" song. For some reason, it gets me psyched. I've never even been to a Husker game to experience the tunnel walk. But every time I hear it, for some reason, it almost gives me goose bumps. I'm working at the station this first game day, babysitting the board to make sure all the commercials behave like they're supposed to. They were making a big deal of this new tunnel walk thing they've created... how it's been made over so it now includes some statues of previous Nebraska players (I think) and how they now have two soldiers guarding the new gates. As I listened to them get all excited to experience this new tunnel walk for the first game of the season, I was excited too and I wasn't even there. (Now I know some of you are going to laugh at me... but that's okay.) :) This booming voice started talking, and soon I heard the first few strains of that famous song. (If you go to this link, http://www.huskerbay.com/ you can listen to it. Theres a box in the upper right hand corner that says something about Play some background music, and then you can select the Tunnel Walk under that.) Okay now you think I'm really weird... but really you should try it... just for fun. Anyway... when I heard it... I actually got a little misty. Weird... I know. The fans were excited then, but they absolutely exploded when the team came running through the gates and onto the field. "Geez..." I thought, "What are we so excited about? Here I am tearing up.... it's a football game for crying out loud!" But what if...

I wonder if there is a tunnel walk in heaven? The Bible says the angels have a party every time someone takes God up on His offer and begins a relationship with Him through Christ. What will it be like when we make it home? Will they welcome us with a tunnel walk of their own? I wonder if Paul had a song playing in his head when he wrote these words:

"One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

The people breaking through those gates will be a little different than the ones dressed in red we see on game day. It will be people who had nothing going for them... except Jesus. Here's a thought... what will happen to all those awards we received, all the praise we thought was so important, and the things we strain so hard for here? What about my hard work to get those A's... or to receive praise from that person? These verses are a daily wake-up call for me:

The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness.

Philippians 3:7-9 The Message

Ouch. What am I working for? Which tunnel walk am I striving for? The one here on earth, or the one in heaven? No matter what I do, I believe that Christ paid my price and because I've trusted in that alone, I'm going to make it to heaven. But will I be dissapointed when I walk through those gates about those times that I chose to go after my interest instead of God's? There won't be any middle ground in heaven. Either what I did is going to last, or it's going to burn. If I did it with the right motives, to honor God, it's going to last. If it was done for a pat on the back... that's all I'm going to get out of it.

So which "tunnel walk" am I going to listen for today? How about this one:

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ," Phil. 3:20.

I don't know about you, but the tunnel walk song represents a whole lot more to me than football now.

2006-08-28T11:43:00.000-05:00

His Strength Is Perfect

I have a great song in my head today. Kevin sang it yesterday in church. (Awesome job by the way Kevin!) I haven't heard it in so long, and yesterday was absolutely perfect timing. Here's the part that's been spinning over and over on the record player in my head:

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He'll carry us, when we can't carry on.
Raised in His power the weak become strong.
His strength is perfect... His strength is perfect.

(I hope I got all the words right... if not Kevin or Tami will let me know right?) :)

Many times when I go to church and hear the wonderful music and the message, I will think about it that day... and it might cross my mind once or twice during the week. (Although I know it should more.) The week kind of swallows me up and by the time I get to Wednesday I have trouble remembering what day it is much less what I learned on Sunday. But I think this is one God is trying to drive home to me.

As you've probably gathered from all my whining, College Algebra is not my favorite subject... and I don't remember ever walking out of a class room feeling like I do after this class... wondering, "Am I going to pass?" For some reason, that is a huge deal to me. It's that dirty word that seems to pop up outof nowhere every time... failure. But what if God is trying to teach me something more than numbers and quadratic equations through this class. (Which is a good possibility.) :) What if He's putting me in the fire? What's the purpose of the crazy weeks where you have a math test you're afraid you might not pass, a speech to make, and extra hours to work? Or how about some real problems... like wondering how that bill will get paid, if your child will ever be well, if your pain will ever be healed... if that friend or coworker will ever see a need for God? What if the sole purpose of those times it to teach us, "Is your strength gone yet? Good... now let me take over." Maybe God has to bring us to that point so we don't just blow by him on cruise control and say, "No it's okay God I've got this one." What if He's really doing us a favor?

As I sat in math class today, trying to understand but feeling like whoever that character is in Charlie Brown who only hears, "Wa wa wa..." when the teacher talks, guess what soundtrack was playing in my head?

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone...

Really? Is your strength really perfect when I'm weakest? Maybe when I finally get out of the way, He can do His job.

Thanks God for pushing the repeat button on my brain. Keep it playing this week Lord. Thank you that life isn't easy, otherwise we might miss experiencing it with You. Help us to remember that when we just want to pull out our hair and scream. Help us to take our tears to You and thank you for the reminder once again... we need You.

2006-08-20T21:56:00.000-05:00

“So how about it God?” I thought. The words didn’t make it into the crisp night air. My feet carried me one step, then another towards the house, while my eyes lingered on those thousands of pinholes in the sky where the light poured through. I didn’t say it because I thought it was probably silly… asking God for a shooting star. I decided to enjoy them anyway. It wasn’t very often I took time to stop and admire. I turned my head from one corner of the sky to the other… just in time to see a single star skid across the sky for a brief second… then it was gone. I bit my lower lip and smiled like it was my first one. Silly? Maybe not.
I wonder how many shooting stars I miss… not just at night, but throughout my day. How often do I miss a chance to see God work, because I assume he doesn’t care, or that’s too small to bother Him with… or too big for Him to handle. Ouch. It occurred to me today that when I see those shooting stars, why don’t I stop and take time to tell people about it? It seems I’ve talked a lot lately about how much there is to do, how stressed I am, how crazy things are. Why do I leave out, “Hey, this was a neat gift from God,”?
This week he opened my eyes to a few shooting stars. It’s interesting; they don’t always look like what I think they should. For instance, one that keeps coming back to my mind this week started out as an unpleasant experience. As I was emptying the trash in the kitchen at work after a long day, I noticed someone had spilled some coffee grinds on the floor. Honest mistake… no big deal. I told myself it wasn’t my deal either, “Not part of your job description Kara.” But then I got the little poking and prodding and I thought, “Okay God… I’ll clean up the coffee spill.” Instead of being clever and grabbing the broom, I cleaned it up with paper towels, which meant I had to get them a little wet to get them all picked up. Well of course, once they got wet, they started to smell like freshly brewed coffee. We don’t really drink coffee, but I absolutely love that smell! By the time I was finished, a wonderful aroma filled the kitchen, and I got to smell the coffee!
I hope that story didn’t creep you out too bad. But seriously… after I was done I thought, “I almost missed that. I really think that was a boost from God, and I almost missed it.” Or how about songs on the radio? Two nights last week I went to bed literally feeling scared for the morning because of what was coming that day, and both of those mornings I woke up to these words from Casting Crowns singing on my radio:

Who Am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurts?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way, for my ever wandering heart?Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.
… and you’ve told me who I am, I am YOURS.

That’s not a shooting star, that’s the moon! J So what’s your shooting star? This week, I want to keep my eyes open for them. I know they may not be as noticeable or as huge every day… but when I see them, I need to remember to give Him thanks.

Lord thank you that I am Yours. If you gave me nothing else, no other signs of Your goodness, that should be enough. To be able to have peace with You through Your son is an honor I don’t deserve… but I thank You for it. Forgive my wandering heart Lord. Forgive my short-sightedness. Help me turn my eyes back to You. You are my light and my salvation. You are water, the air, the sun to me. I can’t live without You. I love You Lord… because You first loved me. Keep opening my eyes and my heart in Your time.

2006-08-19T00:06:00.000-05:00

I NEED YOU

Well you caught me. I’ve been avoiding writing. Yes I’ve been busy… but I think there is something else also, something more than that. What is it? I think I’m starting to figure it out. Oh wait… what I’m figuring out is… I don’t have things figured out. I don’t have the lessons I’ve been learning wrapped up in a nice little package… and that bugs me. Why?

I’ve been having a lot of ups and downs lately the last few weeks. No special reason… just the everyday living I think. I’ve been working a lot of extra hours, trying to figure out the latest math assignments as they get progressively harder and I have less and less time, frantically submitting assignments for my online class…(due at 11:55, submitted at 11:53) and write and give the latest speech that’s due the same week as midterms. (All about the time some of my friends are leaving for college and it’s my last chance to spend time with them.) As you can see… I’m suffering from Tami’s famous Winy Baby Syndrome as well. J I know so many people in my life whose burdens are so much greater than mine… but I have to be honest… there are days where I don’t see anything but my own stresses and problems. There are days I feel like a water balloon that got stuck to a faucet turned on full blast. (Okay… not a water balloon anymore... shreds of a water balloon.) Anybody been there? So what do you do with that? Do you just paste your smile on, pretend your fine… shove everything down because you know everyone else’s burdens are so much bigger than yours?

So now comes the part where I’m supposed to share with you this amazing lesson I learned… some amazing wise words. And that’s what bugs me. It bugs me because I feel like the only things I’m learning are the same lessons over and over… so did I really learn them in the first place? What’s wrong with me? I don’t have it all figured out. I’m just trying to take it one day at a time… and many times the only thing I’ve learned at the end of the day is, “Wow Lord I need you. I can’t make it another day without You!” But wait a second… is that such a bad thing after all? Maybe… just maybe our pathetic human condition, our screw-ups, shortfalls, our weaknesses allow God to show up in our life. Maybe if I had it figured out… I wouldn’t need God?

So when you get right down to it… that’s all I’ve really got to say.

I need You. Thanks for the reminders.

2006-08-03T00:07:00.000-05:00

My Heavenly Father,

Is this what heaven is like? It’s raining and I’m driving home from work. I notice the sun is going down, casting a beautiful golden glow over everything… but I catch my breath when I pull up to the stoplight and see the street. The rain makes the plain concrete surface shimmer, and it looks as if you’ve painted it the color of heaven. My window is open, and I let the rain fall one me as I drink it all in. I drive on, moving onto the highway. Behind the rows of corn, I can see the sun, retreating for the night, veiled thinly by a few satin clouds and rain. Everything is bathed in this beautiful, rich golden light. I’ve never seen anything like it. It takes my breath away, and I want to sit and stare at it for hours. As I pull in my driveway, reluctant for this sight to end, on the other side of me there’s a full rainbow painted across the dark blue sky. And on my radio I hear the words… “I can only Imagine what it will be like, when I walk by your side. I can only imagine, what my eyes will see when your face is before me. I can only imagine.” This is truly how I felt at that moment. Lord, if the sun which you created can make this world look so beautiful, then what will it be like when, “Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine… I can only imagine.” Thanks for the kiss God. Help me to keep imagining… keep remembering what You’ve done and who You are… keep rejoicing… and quit whining.

2006-07-21T11:54:00.000-05:00

New Eyes!

One of my coworkers recently had corrective eye surgery done. I saw him walking out of work one day with a large eye-patch on and thought, “Woa! This news reporting stuff is dangerous.” Then I remembered hearing something about corrective eye surgery, and I felt a little less sorry for him. I overheard him relating the success of the operation, despite the need for a few stitches. He said he now had nearly 20/20 vision. I guess it was worth the eye patch.

Do you ever feel the need for eye surgery? I don’t know about you but recently, my vision seems to be a bit foggy. Last night before I crashed in bed… I told God I felt the need for some spiritual eye surgery. Life can be overwhelming sometimes… and I’m not even out into the ‘real world’ yet. Some days… lots of things seem to get stuck in my sights and soon I end up walking around bumping into things with my hands outstretched because I can’t see! You know the kinds of things I’m talking about. The cats are fighting, people are cat-fighting. The dishwasher has flooded the kitchen… and your brain is flooded with the deadline for your speech, how to find the answer to that hideous math problem, bills, and the endless catalog (not list) of to do’s. By the end of some days, my eyes are so full of junk… I’ve forgotten who God is and what He’s said. I’ve forgotten how to say thanks for the gifts He gives. Quick, hand me the eye-drops!

God, can you give me a new pair of eyes in the morning? Can you open them up and make me see that You are at work in a million tiny details of my day?

This was my prayer before I went to sleep. When I woke up this morning… it was to the sound of rain. Beautiful, glorious, refreshing rain… and not just a sprinkle or two. Is there anything like the sight and smell of rain in the middle of a drought? It’s so soothing. With every drop it seems to whisper, “It’s going to be okay.” As sat at my desk and watched the drops coat everything with a shiny, wet glaze, I remembered my prayer… and these words came to my mind, “Behold, I make all things new.” (Rev. 21:5). These words gave me such hope… for two reasons.

One, I know that one day God will take his kids home. Once we’re there… no more tears, no more frustration… no more sin. Everything will be made new… and it will stay that way forever.

Two, we don’t have to wait for heaven to get a taste of it. 2 Corinthians 4:16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” Wow! He’s already making us new! Cool!

So about that eye-surgery… it looks like God’s already on it. Only He’s not just renewing my eyes… He’s renewing all of me. 1 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

One more thought about our new pair of eyes…
1 Corinthians 4:18 “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Thank you Lord that you are in the business of making us new. You don’t leave us wandering around blindly to figure things out by ourselves… even though we may feel like it sometimes. You give us Your incredible Word, Your Spirit, and amazing people to guide us and encourage us when we’re walking blind. Open our eyes to see You at work today Lord. Expand our vision and help us keep things in perspective… to keep You at the front of our perspective.

2006-07-09T18:02:00.000-05:00

Diving In...

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes... for in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'BUT THE RIGHTEOUS man SHALL LIVE BY FAITH." Romans 1:16-17

I saw it coming... and my heart beat a little faster. The conversation turned the right direction. This is it... here we go. I'm going to have a chance to share with this person. I'm gonna have a chance to offer them a glimpse of the ultimate solution to life's ultimate problem, sin. They finished talking... and my once coherant thoughts suddenly came to a screeching halt. I waited, but nothing came. I was just nodding and smiling, thinking, "What's going on here... I have no idea what to say!" Soon the conversation ended, but only formally. It continued in my head as I tried to think of what I should have said. Did I miss it? Was that my opportunity flying out the window? It bothered me the rest of the night. I tried to direct my thoughts out of the mud, "Alright God. I need your help here. I obviously can't do this on my own. Give me the words, give me the opportunity... help me say what you want me to say." The opportunity did come again... I could see it coming from around the corner this time. Speeding towards me like an angry mac truck, ready to eat me up. This time I managed to drop a few things in the conversation here and there, although I still felt completely inadequate in what I said. I so wished I was Martin Luther, Winston Churchill, my pastor, my dad... anybody else at that point so I could think of just the right question to ask them, and say just the right thing. But God didn't ask them to do it for me. He put me in that place at that time, and He wants me to step out in obedience to Him, no matter how unqualified I feel. Whenever opportunities like this come up, I'm reminded of a song by Stevin Curtis Chapman, "Diving In" Aha! You've caught me. I didn't make it up myself. :)

There's a part of the song that goes something like this, "But we will never know the awesome power of the grace of God, until we let ourselves get swept away into this holy flood. So if you'll take my hand, we'll close our eyes and count to three... and take the leap of faith. Come on let's go! I'm diving in, I'm going deep... I wanna be caught in the rush, lost in the flow... the river's deep, the river's wide... so sink or swim I'm diving in!"

I often feel that just before I choose to tell somebody about what God has done in my life, or about His plan for making people right with Him. Sometimes I hold my breath and say, "Well God... here goes," and other times I cling to my floaties and sit on the dock, staring at the water unable to think of anything but how unpredictable those waves look. Sadly, I've found myself in the latter place much more often than the former. How many times have I regretted jumping in? None. How many times have I regretted not jumping in? More than I can count.

I learned a couple of things from this experience... which has been on my mind ever since it happened.

1. It all starts and ends with God. He's the reason I have something to share, and He's the One who can take His words and put them in the mouth of a foolish and weak person like me and use them to open the eyes of the people I care about. Ultimately, He's the One who must open their eyes... not me. He is able. 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 "For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." This gives me great encouragement to dive in when the opportunity comes. He doesn't call me to be perfect... He calls me to be faithful... to take a step and share the best I can.

2. I have a responsibility as well. 2 Timothy 2:15 "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." Honestly... I don't feel like a workman who need not be ashamed right now. I feel like I have been a slacker in this department... and I have a lot to learn. Frankly, the task seems rather daunting at the moment, and I'm not quite sure where to start. I love to sit down and read God's Word, but I get lazy about really diving in... about studying it sometimes. However... this is something that is worth my time, and now that God has brought it to my attention... it seems I have a choice. To dive, or not to dive? Will I ever regret it? Never. 2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." Wow! That's amazing. Thoroughly equipped for every good work. That's what I want to be. Guess I better get my scuba gear. You gotta start somewhere...

Lord give me courage to dive into your word... and into people's lives. Give me strength to trust you, so that I can take that step off the dock and dive in. Show me how to study Your truth, how to become a workman who need not be ashamed. Make it my passion everyday to understand and be able to communicate this truth to people, as well as the story of what You have done and what You still do in my life. Lord this is not a one man show. I can't do this without You. You're like my oxygen tank underwater. I need you. Thank you that You are able to make me into the person You want me to be... no matter how far off track I might be. Help me cooperate with You in that process and take the necessary steps on my part... so that I can take advantage of every opportunity You provide.

And now a question for all of you relating to the verse at the top. The opposite of being ashamed is boldness. How do you think we can become more bold? (I say bold keeping in mind 1 Peter 3:15 which says we must share our hope with gentleness and reverence.) Paul prays for boldness in Ephesians and Colossians. (Other translations use the words clearly and fearlessly for boldly.) What do you think about this whole thing?

2006-07-06T21:21:00.000-05:00

Can we talk?

You know that saying, "they haven't got a prayer?" Well tonight, that's all I've got. :) You can eavesdrop if you want.

God, I'm a little tired tonight. Physically and emotionally. But I feel a need to talk with you. I don't know exactly what to say, but I know I need to talk to You. Lord I don't deserve to talk to you. I've said and done stupid things today... like many days. I was horrified at some of the things that came out of my mouth and ran through my mind today. I asked for your forgiveness, talked to you about it, and still I'm ashamed. I never have deserved, never can deserve to come before You. But, I know you declared me clean and okay before you the day I put my trust in You to do it, and I know you are still faithful and just to forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness, when I bring my dirt to you (see 1 John 1:9). I choose to hang onto that truth Lord, even when I don't feel it. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus," Romans 8:1. You also ask me to come talk to you Lord, and I thank you for these words you spoke to me this morning from Your Word,
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." (Hebrews 10:22).

Thank you so much that you care about what's going on in our lives. You ask us to bring it to you so many different places. I just love these reminders of how much you care:
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Ps. 68:19
"By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me-- a prayer to the God of my life." Ps. 42:8
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 1:9

How can I doubt when you have given me so many examples? And you even say to me,

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:6

What an amazing thought God. Thank you for your care and concern.

God I feel so lost some days. One minute I can be praising you, and the next I can be completely irritated by somebody or something and saying or doing something I know wouldn't bring a smile to your face. Can you still use me? Can you salvage something from the messes I make?

Answer:
"Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways." Psalm 25:8

That's me God. I need you, I need your guidance. Thank you that you are bigger than my messes.

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Ps. 25:4-5
"Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me." Ps. 31:2-3

Answer:
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you." Psalm 32:8-9

Thank you Lord. Help me not to be stubborn when you show me the way. Make my heart ready to follow You.

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." Psalm 48:14

What an adventure God. To have you as my guide each day, waiting to see what will come next. What a part you have graciously granted me to play as you work in me to make me, "more than a conqueror" Romans 8:37. Help me to see the challenges that arise each day as an opportunity to watch You take the impossible and make it possible, to take the confusion and make sense, to take the broken and make it whole, and the ugly and make it beautiful. (Including me.) :) I get to be Your partner! Your sidekick. Your ambassador. To love, appreciate and rub shoulders with the unique people you have created, and invite them to "saddle up their horses" and be a part of the most amazing adventure they could possibly imagine... a one-on-one relationship with You. And the best part of all that Lord, is watching you do miracles in the hearts of the people I care about. I haven't seen any water turned to wine yet, but I've seen You do some amazing things in peoples lives, including mine.

Lord, my time here is so short. Help me not to waste it. Make what You want with me. Use this jar of clay to somehow be a picture frame to display Your glory, Your mercy, truth, grace, love, and beauty. "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7

For each person who reads this now, and for all my dear friends I plead for your peace in their hearts tonight. Give them rest from the stresses that fill their day. Give them peace from the anxieties that weigh them down. Fill them with wisdom for each difficult decision they face. Strengthen and protect their hearts from the deceitfulness of sin. Give them the eyes to see the small gifts you send them every day, and fill them with your joy. Fill them with You, fill them to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:19).

Thanks for talking Lord. You've done it again. Thanks for the miracle you just did in my heart... unwinding and untangling me, reminding me who I am... and most importantly who You are.

" Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

2006-07-03T15:15:00.000-05:00

Got Courage?

I'm a little slow on the uptake some days... this is one of those days. I read this verse in Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

In this particular chapter... withtin the space of a few verses actually, God repeats the words, "Be strong and courageous," 3 times, even adding "be very courageous" one of those times. The very last words of the chapter, in fact, are, "Only be strong and courageous!"

He must repeat things for people like me... who miss it the first, or second... or third time. When I sat down to read this morning I asked God to show me what I needed to see for today. So after reading four times, "Be strong and courageous..." I still didn't get it. I thought, "That's a nice verse... it's good for me to remember in this decision or that decision." and then I moved on with my day. I didn't get very far however. As many of you know, I'm a people pleaser. When I think someone else is or may be unhappy with me, or when there's conflict... I feel it physically. Yesterday at work someone was upset with me over the phone, and when I hung up I was shaking. (I'm not proud of this... it's something I struggle to give to God everyday, as you know from earlier blogs.) Anyway... I was going about my day, and I started thinking. (Which can be a dangerous thing some days.) I started thinking... then fearing something I needed to talk to my boss about, then another something came up that needed to be taken care of, then another, then another. Pretty soon my stomach was in a knot... stil is a little bit actually. I felt drained and wanted to crawl in a hole instead of doing the things I needed to do. Wait... what was that thing I read this morning?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Ohhhh... so this is what He was talking about. This thing (or things) that is upsetting me, unsettling my equilibrium is the thing He wants me to bring to Him. This is my opportunity to trust Him, my chance to remember that the LORD my God is with me wherever I go. (Like I say... I'm a little slow to figure these things out sometimes.) But thankfully God protects the simplehearted... "When I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." Psalm 116:6-7

Lord, I confess this is one of the hardest things for me to do... to be strong and courageous. I don't feel strong and courageous Lord, I feel weak and fearful. However, you don't tell me to be strong and courageous because "I can do it" but because You are with me wherever I go. If you are for me, who can be against me? You are my strength and my song, (Ps. 118:14) and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil.4:13). Also, I know that you have not given me a spirit of fear (or timidity) but of power, of love, and of self-discipline. Calm my trembling heart Lord, and let me rest in the fact that I belong to You.

What unsettles your equillibrium? How do you get it settled again?

2006-06-28T13:02:00.000-05:00

Questions... Aches... and Bomb Pops

I love a good love story. I saw one last night and I've been thinking about it every since. Thinking... is it too good to be true? Will anyone ever love me like that? Why does it stir my heart so deeply that I long for it never to end? I think of stories like this and I sigh and smile, and at the same time I ache. What girl doesn't? (I can't speak for guys of course... I've heard they don't much care for 'chick flicks', but am I correct to suspect that they still have an ache of some sort inside them? For significance perhaps?) In any case... I've been thinking about my questions, and about my ache. Part of me wonders... what if the answer to my frist two questions is no? That makes me sad... makes me want to cry sometimes, because of my ache. But when I stop and look at those questions again, straining to hear a whisper from the voice of truth... I discover something. The answer not no...

"By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me--a
prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:8

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you."
Psalm 38:9

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love," Psalm 33:18

Someone knows me, sees me, understands me, loves me with unfailing love and sends me evidence of that love every day. But not just someone. The One who made the stars, who thought of love, who created beauty, who is King of Kings and Lord of Lords... He loves me? He cares enough to send me a beautiful song, a shooting star, a word, a smile, a friend... a cookie even at just the right time. He loves me enough to die for me... and He did. He did so it would be possible for me to be with Him... every day, and for eternity. And could it be? Perhaps... He loves me enough to make everything and everyone in my life come up just short of filling my ache... because He wants to be the one to do it? "You are Mine," He says, "Stop looking to other things. I long to be the One." If a man said that to me, I think I just might melt like a bomb pop on a hot day... so why don't I when God says it? Maybe He's pulling me out of the refrigator one day at a time.

One of my favorite prayers on this subject is one that Paul prays. It makes me really excited because I think, "Hey... the mighty Paul prayed it, it must be important right? There's something to this? It's not just us silly females."

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

When I read that, I feel myself starting to melt. It's not too good to be true! Do you hear those words? Read them again... go ahead do it! I am. (Checking for typos while I do.) What do you think? Do I exagerate? I don't think so. His love surpasses knowledge... and apparently it's important that we know the extent of it if it's something God prompted Paul to pray for. Wow...

God... my God, I want to know more of You, more of Your love. I want to fall in love with you... every day. And I want to BE in love with you every day, doing what is hard, and doing it for you. Thank you for this love, which I am keenly aware I do not deserve... which I can never deserve. Thank you for not allowing my ache to be filled with the things I try to fill it with. I want to melt when I hear your voice... to always be ready and eager to hear it. I need You God... I need You. I still have questions, I still have aches... but I know why now. I come to you to give answers when the time is right, and to fill me as only You can.

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:1,3,8

There are a lot of random thoughts on this issue in this blog, and hopefully some truth. However, I really think Tami hits the nail on the head when she explains it... so you should check out her blog. :)

2006-06-22T11:56:00.000-05:00

Job Well Done My Friend...?

Last night I ran the board for a baseball game at work. (Which basically means I was at the radio station, the sport’s director was at the baseball diamond announcing the game, and together we worked to make everything sound like it fits… commercials, introductions, the game... etc.) It took me back to a night a few months ago, to another baseball game. That night, as I was frantically pushing buttons and turning dials, timing things out, trying to do everything just right, I wondered, "Why am I trying to make everything just so?" I tell myself it's because I want to do a good job and glorify God through my work, so as to be a good testimony. But something happened that night that made me wonder… is that just my way of sugar coating things? What’s really going on here? Oftentimes at the end of a game, and sometimes during, the sport director will say, “thanks to our studio engineer, Kara Bird (or AJ McNeal, who does most of the games)…” and then these words, “Job well done my friend.” The game had just barely started, but I was surprised to find myself waiting to hear those words. I didn’t understand exactly how much I was waiting for them until… it happened. I made a mistake. I wasn’t on top of things. It wasn’t perfect. I made us sound bad. I was crushed. Thoughts began to tumble around in my mind, “How could you do that? You’re so incompetent. You’re so lazy. You messed up! What will this do to your testimony? You’re not really getting any better… look at you. In fact, you’re getting worse!” In my mind I imagined how upset the sport’s director probably was with me, (though I had absolutely no support for this thought besides my suppositions.) In the back of my mind the nasty whisper surfaced, “Now he won’t say it… you’ve failed.” Amazing how my mind can turn a single snowflake into an avalanche. I sat there staring at the board, practically numb, wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why is this so important?” I was placing so much emphasis on the approval of other people, so much of my identity… my security on what they thought of me, whoever they happened to be at the time. That night, those five little words seemed to represent the compressed weight of all the approval I was aching for from everyone around me. But when is it enough? When do I stop needing the affirmation? How long does it last? Does there come a point where I’m finally “okay”? As I continued to stare blankly at the sound board and listen to the crack of the bat as it came in contact with the ball, I felt as if my insides were splintering. As I sat there in this pathetic state, a whisper from a different place came quietly to my soul to rescue me, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I stopped and turned those words over in my mind, surprised how similar they were to the words I was straining to hear. Maybe there was something in that crack of the bat which jerked me back to reality, making me remember those words I had so often heard in Sunday School… or not. I believe God answered me as I sat there torn up over such a seemingly small incident, praying desperately, “God please, sustain me.” Well done… good and faithful servant. While my desire for human approval is natural, only what is supernatural will sustain me. What must it be like to stand before God and hear those words? I can only imagine. As I think of all the approval I ache for, this is what I want to hunger for more every day: to hear my Lord say, “Job well done my friend.” I don’t have this figured out yet… and I still struggle with my desire for human approval on a daily… no moment by moment basis. But… it gives me incredible peace to realize that God is on my side. He is the one who is helping me, guiding me, picking me up out of the mud, and He is not ashamed of me… I belong to Him.

Psalm 54:4 “Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.”

Hebrews 13:20-21 "May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever..."

Transform my thoughts Lord. Keep whispering your truth to my heart to combat the lies I blindly believe. Help me keep You at the forefront as I live each moment. Although I see I still struggle with this… more often than I would like to say, thank you that I am accepted and loved by you, no matter how much I mess up, let you down, or forget you. I’m reminded of a song… “I belong to you apart from the things I do. I’m in awe of why you do the things you do.” Thanks again Lord.

What do you think?

2006-06-19T15:05:00.000-05:00

Irksomeness

Have you ever been irked? You know... the state of being driven nuts by something or (surely not) someone. (Not from Webster by the way.) I believe in the South they say, "That just flew all over me." No? Well it happens to me. People always ask me, "You have red hair... do you have a fiery temper?" I always smile sweetly and say something like, "No not really." Ha! Denial is not a river in Egypt. Several times this week... actually mostly in one day, I was in quite a state "irksomeness". Early in the day I had plans to write about being thankful for my next post. (I was going for the warm fuzzies.) The day was clipping along fine until... people showed up. No really... I'm serious. I love people, as you saw from my first blog... sometimes I just don't know how to... well you know... live with them. People are great but they're also... well... irksome (myself included). I was around a group of them for one afternoon for a while, and after about an hour I kind of felt like running and hiding in a hole or something. Everywhere I turned I felt irked by something they said or did. Finally I said to myself, "Self... something is not right." So I did run away for a few minutes to talk to God and say, "What's the problem here." (Of course it must be their problem right? It couldn't be me. I have a right to be irked! What's wrong with these people!) However... today as I was sitting and reading in Proverbs, I read these words. "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects a man." Mentally I kind of cringed. I knew that was for me. My heart wasn't reflecting such pretty images at the moment. The things that are in my heart aren't reflecting the kind of woman I want to be. As I thought about that verse, seemingly out of nowhere I thought of 1 Corinthians 13. Oh yeah... love. I thought to myself as I recalled my reaction, both inwardly and outwardly to those people. With each word I read, I saw myself... in the opposite way. You know how they always tell you to substitute your name for love in this verse? You couldn't have done that with my name.

13:4-8
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Honestly I looked at each one of those and thought, "Kara is not patient, is not kind..." and so on. And what about easily angered? Might we say, "Is not easily irked?" Oy vey... I have a bigger anger problem than I thought.

So once again Lord, I see that I fall short of the standard you have laid out. Your love has never been anything but "patient, kind,..." and all of these things to me. Teach me how to love people... how to really love them as you love me. How can I take from you and refuse to give the same back to the people in my life? I do not deserve your love or theirs Lord. Forgive me for my irksomeness... for the things I do that irk you. Help me live to bring joy to your heart and not pain. And help me live with my eyes that see my brother's and sister's needs and not just my own. Thank you for your love, which never fails... even when I do.

2006-06-14T22:46:00.000-05:00

God wants... me?

We were talking about trials at Bible Study a few nights ago, and someone said something which I had heard before many times, but this time it made me do a double take. They said, “Ultimately, isn’t everything God allows to happen in our life for the purpose of drawing us closer to Him?” As I sat there nodding my agreement, I stopped and thought about what they just said. God wants me to come closer to Him? We always seem to say this with a sigh of resignation whenever we talk about it, “I know God is using this to draw me closer to Him but…” At least that’s usually how I tend to picture it. But stop and think about that for a minute. God wants me to be close to Him? What if the hard times in my day and life are His way of saying, “Come closer… I miss you… I desire you. Talk to me… please... let me speak to your bruised and battered heart.” I wonder if I would look at my trials and inconveniences differently if I saw them this way; if I saw God standing there whispering, “I love you… come to me.” I feel like I’m just repeating what my wiser friends have already communicated in different words… or the same words… but I was just so amazed at the thought I had to write it out to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. God wants me? And not because of who I am… but because that’s how deep his love is. I let out a different sigh now… one of relief… because His heart for me will never change.

Matthew 11:28
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.”

P.S. What do you think?

2006-06-13T13:28:00.000-05:00

A PRAYER

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today. Not the shiny kind that hang on the wall and tell you you need to work out a little more. (Although I have those too.) No... a different mirror... God's Word.

"That can't be me." I thought... but I looked again. It was me. I saw things that could never be covered up with just a litle more makeup. I saw my selfishness, pride, insecurity, critical spirit, fear, worry, anger... and then I had to look away because it was too much.

"So much for that Lord. I thought you could use me but look how mangled I am. I'm filthy and slimy, and probably a little stinky too. Forgive me Lord... I'm all messed up again"

Kara... look again.

"I can't Lord it's too horrible! I thought I could do this but I just keep messing up! I can't do anything right," I whined as I squeezed my eyes shut in determination.

Look again.

I opened up one eye cautiously... and the picture had changed. Written on the mirror now were these words...

"for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust... but from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him," Psalm 103:14,17

I see... that's me Lord... just dust. Thank you for your mercy, which I can never deserve. Can you clean me up Lord? "create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me,"

1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Thank you God

2006-06-11T18:08:00.001-05:00

PEOPLE

One of the most interesting things in this world to think about, observe, and experience, is people. People are complex, yet so many of the things we struggle with can be traced back to the same root. People are fulfilling, and people are draining. People are individual. How often do I really stop and think about the unique hopes, dreams, scars, hurts, and special personality under that pretty face, that confident façade or that terrified mask? Aren’t first impressions funny? Just yesterday a friend and I were discussing our first impressions of each other the first time we met. We were both intimidated and thought we’d never be able to have a conversation with each other or be friends. Of course now we can laugh at these first impressions and see we were quite wrong. I wonder how often we miss the amazing experience of really knowing someone and watching the Master Artist at work as He begins or perfects another one of His masterpieces because we are too proud, too scared, too whatever to go any deeper. What an amazing thing to even have the privilege of being a part of that process… even if that just means watching, praying, and enjoying. So for my very first blog entry… I would like to openly admire God’s handiwork in all the people in my life. And if you are reading this, most likely you are one of those people. (Thanks for stopping by… by the way.) I am so glad God put you in my life, and I so enjoy watching Him as He continues to add special touches to the canvases and symphonies of your lives, or maybe as He is just beginning. Job well done God!

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”