I've been thinking...

I've made several decisions over the past few weeks that have left me feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability can be a scary thing. Often it brings other things in my life to the surface that otherwise remain safely tucked away. Something big came to the surface this weekend when I stepped out of my comfort zone. As I prepared to leave for Arkansas for homecoming weekend, I felt unusually uneasy.

As I tried to figure out what was bothering me, I finally realized, "I have nothing to offer to my friends right now. Nothing to show, nothing to give... it's just me." And then the much deeper fear came popping up like a beach ball that's been contained under water too long. "Will they still want to see me? Will they still love me even if I have nothing to give?" I know this seems ridiculous. It certainly did to me when I finally articulated the thought. But the fear was still there. I dug through Scripture my first night there, reading passage after passage about what God says about me.

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..."
"You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you,"

And as I read the words over and over, it hit me... I didn't believe they were true of me. The more I understood the implications of my thinking, the more I knew it needed to change. This is a big deal. I don't believe the same God who put away His glory and put on one of our mud bodies and died for me actually loves me? If I don't believe that, where does that leave me? How can I ask God for direction, how can I even go on without being sure of this? And if I'm not sure, how can I possibly love anyone else?

That night I cried out to God, "I don't know how to deal with this, but I know it needs to change. I can't do life without your direction and support, and I can't handle something like this standing in the way."

As I ask God to change my heart and mind, I realize how much I am like the Israelites, who wandered in the dessert for 40 years. To both of us the Holy Spirit says, "Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me and for forty years saw what I did." Hebrews 3:9

Forty years of watching God work! And still they did not believe. "See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God." Hebrews 3:12.

How have I seen God work in my life? What have I forgotten that I need to remember?

I've been reading through my old journals... especially my journal of Ireland. That trip was one of the greatest pictures to me of God's incredible, ridiculous love. It came at such a crucial time of life, when my heart was full of questions, doubts, and uncertainties. And into the midst of that, God spoke.

In the delicate and glorious beauty of thousands of roses, a glimpse of the heart of their Creator.
In the crashing of waves against the jagged cliffs, covered in a soft blanket of green.
In a solitary lighthouse on that cliff, a visual reminder to fix my eyes on Christ when my world is dark.
In unbelievable reminders of His glory, even magnificent man made cathedrals, designed to keep your eyes fixed heavenward.
And most of all, through His people. Living reminders of redemption. I remember thinking at times, "Is this really happening? This is so over the top. This is so much more than I could ever expect." And it hasn't stopped there. He is still exceeding my expectations.

I know my thoughts have been kind of all over the place in this post, but this is really what it all comes back to for me. As I realize what God has done in my life because of Christ, and how much I don't deserve it, I am left with nothing to say except, "Who am I, O Sovereign LORD... that you have brought me this far?" 2 Samuel 7:18. I am reminded once again that I stand before God only in grace. I have nothing to offer. This emptiness is the whole basis of my original acceptance before Him, and it is still by no action or merit of my own that I continue to stand in that favor, in that love. It is only because of Christ. I am still working to understand how this truth works out in everyday life, one painful step at a time. Some days it's easier than others. I don't know where you are, but wherever it is please don't stop asking the questions. Don't assume that because you are having a hard time believing something right now that that it's not true. Please don't give up. Keep seeking, keep asking... and God will find you.

"Therefore he (Jesus) is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them," Hebrews 7:25.

Father I do believe... help my unbelief. As a friend recently prayed for me, would you identify us. Apart from any job, relationship, or anything we do or give. Identify us as your own in Christ, and set us free to love each other, because you have loved us with such a ridiculous, extravagant love.