I went for a walk in the cemetery tonight. I needed to take a few minutes to not be in a hurry. I took my phone with me, but every time I started to open it, I shut it again. I just needed to be with God. I didn’t have much to say today. My heart was a little heavy, but I wasn’t sure why. I walked slowly, reading the engraved stones. Each one represented someone’s loss. Someone loved each one of these people. Naturally, my thoughts turned to my own family, to my grandpa’s death. Grief has hit me at different times and in different ways than I expected the past month. Sometimes it comes as a trickle, an almost unidentifiable nag in the back of your mind. But sometimes it’s also a flood.

I walked by a bench overlooking most of the cemetery. There was a young tree standing guard over it. I walked a few steps, but felt a need to turn and sit down for a few minutes. The night was beautiful, the breeze and temperature absolutely perfect. I looked at the grave stones around me, thinking of the people in my life who are dealing with heavy loss, pain, injustice, or difficulty. I thought of my grandpa. As I wiped away a few tears, I looked up at the tree and noticed that the seemed to be hovering over the bench. I smiled and the words from the Psalmist came to mind, “He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.” Along with the song we sang in church last week, “I am my beloved’s and He is mine, His banner over me is love.” I closed my eyes and let myself just be. For just a moment, I let go of the expectations, of the “shoulds”, the “shouldn’ts”, and the “I wish I would have’s.” After a few minutes, I stood up and began to walk again, reading the tombstones as I passed by. My thoughts were interrupted by a sound that made me stand completely still. At first I it was so faint I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or if it was real. But the more I listened, the more I was convinced. It was the sound of bagpipes… playing Amazing Grace. Then the real tears came. This was one of two songs we sang at grandpa’s memorial service. The song grew louder for a few moments as I listened in disbelief. I tried to look and see where it was coming from, but I found no hints. Then, just as quickly as it had come, it faded away. I wiped at my wet face, humbled by a God who went to the trouble to speak to my heart so clearly, who took time to reassure me, “Go ahead, cry dear one. It’s okay. I’m here with you.”
Thank you Father. Keep showing us your heart. Even when life doesn't make sense. Cover us with Your Feathers. Hide is under Your wings.