Tonight, and for the rest of my life

She sat alone at a table that overlooked a dance floor filled with happy couples and wondered for the hundredth time, “Is there something wrong with me? Seriously…”

The people gliding across the floor blurred into one as her thoughts drifted to a different time and place. Middle school. Her first dance. She remembered how much she had looked forward to that night, spending hours deciding what she would wear and fixing her hair so it would look just right. In her mind she imagined what it would be like when a boy finally asked her to dance. He would be charming and sweet of course. They would laugh and talk and have a good time. Maybe then she would finally feel like she was okay. But that moment never came.

“Here’s your chance lovely couples, grab that special person and step out onto the dance floor. This one’s for you.” She sighed as the DJ’s voice interrupted her thoughts. Had anything really changed? Looking down at her sparkling, not to mention pricey, gown and her manicured fingernails, she realized she still felt like that same awkward middle-school girl. The question she had been asking for over ten years still spun in her mind like a broken record.

“Is there something wrong with me?” She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block out the thought. “Stop it,” she scolded herself, “you’re supposed to be having fun.” But no matter how much she tried to reason with herself, the thought continued to jab at her, like a giant splinter lodged in her heart.

Someone put a piece of cake in front of her, and she looked up to see her friend Sarah standing next to her with her hands on her hips. “Eat,” she ordered as she handed her a fork, “it will make you smile.”
She took the fork from her friend and obeyed, “Only because you delivered it.”

“Or because it’s cheesecake, you’re favorite,” she remarked as she pulled up a chair. Silence hung in the air like a thick cloud for a moment, but only for a moment.

“Cari," Sarah didn't wait long, "look at me.”
She did, reluctantly.
“What’s wrong?”

She opted to take another bite of cheesecake rather than answer directly, but she knew her friend wouldn’t put up with diversions long. After a few more seconds of silence she answered quietly, “Me.”

Sarah’s eyes narrowed and she leaned closer. Cari knew that look. Sometimes she felt like Sarah wanted to protect her from herself, from the thoughts and fears that cut her down and made her feel like half a person. She could see it in her eyes tonight. She was ready to mentally step into the ring with her. But one thing she would never do is take over the fight completely. She had a subtle way building her back up until she could stand on her own once again.
“Go on,” her friend said quietly.

Cari looked up at her and for a brief moment wondered whether she would understand. Sarah was stunning in her size 4 ball gown that matched her intense blue eyes perfectly. It seemed not one hair was out of place. Not one drop of sweat had smudged her makeup. Acne wouldn’t dare show up on her face. She wouldn’t stand for it. If that weren’t enough, her very own handsome prince was waiting nearby to share every dance with her, tonight and for the rest of her life. Her eyes fell on the sparkling diamond on Sarah’s finger and she wondered, “Can she really understand?”

“Cari.” The words were firm, but gentle at the same time. “I may be married, but I’m still a woman. Talk to me.”

She pushed her cheesecake to the side and picked up her napkin, folding it into the shape of a paper football as she talked. “It’s really not about the guys Sarah,” she said quietly. “It’s all about a question.” She unfolded the napkin and when she looked up she wasn’t surprised to find Sarah watching her. She sighed and put the napkin down, “Can you really remember what it’s like to always wonder? Do you even know what it means to wonder…

“If there’s something wrong with me?” Sarah finished her sentence.
Cari didn’t say anything, but nodded slowly and searched her friend’s face.
“Don’t look so surprised honey,” she said dryly. Her gaze focused on the table for a moment and her voice lowered, “Do I remember?” Cari waited. Sarah sighed and took a hold of her hand, “I don’t usually forget something that happened yesterday.”

Cari frowned, “But you’ve been married for 3 years now.”
Sarah nodded and smiled, “Yes we have.”
She shook her head in confusion, “Why would you wonder now?”
Her friend leaned forward and Cari noticed there was a spark in her eyes now, “It’s like this smart girl I know said. It’s really not about the guys.”

Cari took a moment to let her friend’s words sink in as she rubbed at a blister forming on the side of her foot, courtesy of her idea of glass slippers. “Sarah, wouldn’t it be easier if you just told me the answer?”
There was a blend of tenderness and confidence in her friend’s words, “I think you already know the answer.”
Another sappy love song began to play, and Cari knew Sarah’s husband was coming for her. She smiled in spite of herself and reached for the wise woman’s hand. “Thank you.”
Sarah smiled and nodded, still boring into her sole with those eyes. Finally she stood as her husband approached. Before she greeted him, she put her hand on Cari’s shoulder and gently kissed the top of her head. Cari smiled as she watched them walk to the dance floor arm in arm.

She smiled again when she turned back to the table and noticed her unfinished cheesecake. Pulling the plate closer, she took a bite and picked up the disheveled napkin she had been folding and unfolding during their conversation. She suddenly realized there was something very different about this napkin she hadn’t noticed before. It was bright pink, standing in sharp contrast to the black and silver decorations adorning the other tables. She couldn’t help but chuckle as she pictured her friend turning the kitchen upside down to find the one napkin in the building that was Cari’s favorite color. She decided maybe she would save it, to remember their conversation. Turning it over, she found another surprise. The words were crisp and clear, even on a napkin, “The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” Psalm 45:11. She traced the words with her fingers and whispered, “Thank you for sending Sarah, Father. Help me honor You. Keep me close, tonight and for the rest of my life.”