Holy Unrest

Tonight I listened to a woman share her story about her journey to adopt a little girl from China. It was real, it was profound, it was timely... and it prompted all sorts of thoughts that are about to spill out onto this page, so get ready. (Thanks Rachelle!)

Rachelle talked about this thing that began as a small prick, and turned into a flood of confirmation that this was what God was prompting her to do. But it seemed larger than life. She shared her honest struggle to understand whether this was God's will or not. As God confirmed over and over again that it was, she wrestled with Him and finally, along with her family, began taking small steps in the direction she felt God was leading her. Today, Ellie Grace is a member of their family. You really need to go to her blog to read the real story, it's so much better than that brief snapshot. To get a clearer picture check out the archives at

http://surrenderingtogodsgiftofelliegrace.blogspot.com

I was so moved by her story that I struggled to keep my tears to a minimum as she shared. What God prompted her to do seemed pretty big to me. It was something she was sure she couldn't do. But God kept after her, showed her the steps to take, and He did something incredible through this family that was willing to take the step.

I still don't quite know how explain it all, I just know that something was/is going on in my soul and I have to try. I have to try to get it out, because it hurts to keep it in. When I heard Rachelle talking about doing this thing that seemed larger than life to her, I felt like something was welling up within me. I began to wonder if I'm limiting God in the the way I'm living my life, the choices I'm making, the things I dream about.

"Be intentional with your life,” she said at the end of her story. I feel pulled in so many different directions, I'm not even really sure exactly what God wants me to do. Nevertheless, I was so moved I had to go to the bathroom and take a few deep breaths to get my composure back. I stood in the stall with my Kleenex, praying silently, “I'm trying Lord. I want to follow You. I feel the tug to DO something... I just don't know exactly what or where.” As she talked, I thought about all the things that keep coming to the surface when I think about how I want to live my life. I thought about missions, missionary documentary work, writing, one year intensive mission programs, and most of all, about pursuing growth intentionally... pursuing God's purposes intentionally.

At one point as Rachelle was wrestling with whether it was God's will for them or not to adopt this little girl she wondered, why wouldn't changing this little person's life for eternity be God's will? My heart was burning within me, to do something more with my life, something that will last. To move beyond the status quo. Now the tears are coming again as I think about it. I'm not saying any of these things I'm thinking about are more spiritual than someone who feels called to be a doctor or a secretary or a musician. What I'm saying is, what if He is calling me to do something “bigger” (or maybe just different) and I am ignoring the tug because it seems unrealistic? Sometimes I wonder if I am limiting God in the way I think.

Those of you who know me probably recognize this fit of restlessness and questions that I seem to lapse into on a fairly regular basis, and you probably dread being around me when I get into such a state. But this is something I feel like I need to wrestle through. Why? Because this “state” keeps coming back. It doesn't seem to go away, and I'm starting to think maybe I should pay attention to it.

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet to lose or forfeit his very self. If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:23-26

Lord I want to follow You. Help me understand where You want me. Help me understand how to intentionally pursue You. I don't want to live my whole life as the seed that fell among the thorns and did not mature because I let the distractions of life choke me to death. I'm afraid that will be the story of my life, unless You teach me how to live intentionally. I want to know. I want to know how to know You, and how to live my life as if I am not ashamed. I want to live unafraid, to be willing to let go of my life to find it. I don't want to miss the point. If this holy unrest is from You, show me what to do with it. If not, show me what You want me to do, and give me courage to take the first step. Thank you for men and women who go before us and show us what it means to live with courage.