Questions Worth Asking

I like to write. The statement may seem obvious, considering the manner in which I'm choosing to express this sentiment. It opens up a unique part of my heart and mind and allows me to take a step back from life and say, "Look at this." It allows me to see God, myself, and other people differently. It is a source of pleasure, understanding, and release for me, and hopefully a source of encouragement for those who happen to read my words. So why have I stopped writing? I found myself asking this question tonight after reading an old short story I wrote for a class. I was surprised how much it stirred my heart to be drawn back into the story and the emotion that was involved in writing it. And now here I am, wondering. What happened?

Have you ever felt completely convinced God wanted you to do something? At first you're so excited. You write in your journal all the little things God has been doing to point you in this new direction. Everything from answers to prayer, encouragement from other people, open doors and opportunities. You've never been more certain of anything in your life. And then one day it comes. Slowly at first. It's hardly noticeable. It's just a small leak in the roof. Then one day you look up and find yourself staring at nothing but the sky and wondering, "When did that happen?" The "it" I'm referring to is called doubt.

Did I hear you correctly, God? Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? Do I really have a gift, or am I just fooling myself? What do I have to say that's different from what everyone else has already said?

I'm not just talking about writing now. I'm talking about life. These are questions that run around in my head every day, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one. Doubt can be a powerful thing. The more we entertain it, the greater it's power becomes. It's not content to dominate one area of our lives. It creeps over into our family, our work, our friendships, and our relationship with God. In fact, in looking more closely at the pinhole that started this whole mess, my relationship with God is at the center of the issue.

Do I believe that what he said about me is true? What is it that caused me to doubt the path I once felt so strongly He was leading me down? Did I stop because I asked Him about it and he directed me down a different path? Or did I just sit down in the middle of the road, heave a big sigh and say, "Well, I guess I heard You wrong, God." Is the source of my doubt really pride after all? When I perceive someone else does a better job than me, do I choose to react in a childish way and given up because I can't be, "the best?" Do I choose to give up because evidence of my 'success' is slim.

And most of all, do I really believe God is concerned with results rather than faithfulness?


Thank you Lord that you love me through the questions. Clear my mind Lord. Help my flimsy faith. "O Light that followest all my way I yield my flickering torch to Thee; My heart restores it's borrowed ray That in Thy sunshine's blaze it's day
May brighter, fairer be."

* O Love that Will Not Let Me Go
George Matheson