Questions... Aches... and Bomb Pops

I love a good love story. I saw one last night and I've been thinking about it every since. Thinking... is it too good to be true? Will anyone ever love me like that? Why does it stir my heart so deeply that I long for it never to end? I think of stories like this and I sigh and smile, and at the same time I ache. What girl doesn't? (I can't speak for guys of course... I've heard they don't much care for 'chick flicks', but am I correct to suspect that they still have an ache of some sort inside them? For significance perhaps?) In any case... I've been thinking about my questions, and about my ache. Part of me wonders... what if the answer to my frist two questions is no? That makes me sad... makes me want to cry sometimes, because of my ache. But when I stop and look at those questions again, straining to hear a whisper from the voice of truth... I discover something. The answer not no...


"By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me--a
prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:8


"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you."
Psalm 38:9

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love," Psalm 33:18

Someone knows me, sees me, understands me, loves me with unfailing love and sends me evidence of that love every day. But not just someone. The One who made the stars, who thought of love, who created beauty, who is King of Kings and Lord of Lords... He loves me? He cares enough to send me a beautiful song, a shooting star, a word, a smile, a friend... a cookie even at just the right time. He loves me enough to die for me... and He did. He did so it would be possible for me to be with Him... every day, and for eternity. And could it be? Perhaps... He loves me enough to make everything and everyone in my life come up just short of filling my ache... because He wants to be the one to do it? "You are Mine," He says, "Stop looking to other things. I long to be the One." If a man said that to me, I think I just might melt like a bomb pop on a hot day... so why don't I when God says it? Maybe He's pulling me out of the refrigator one day at a time.

One of my favorite prayers on this subject is one that Paul prays. It makes me really excited because I think, "Hey... the mighty Paul prayed it, it must be important right? There's something to this? It's not just us silly females."

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

When I read that, I feel myself starting to melt. It's not too good to be true! Do you hear those words? Read them again... go ahead do it! I am. (Checking for typos while I do.) What do you think? Do I exagerate? I don't think so. His love surpasses knowledge... and apparently it's important that we know the extent of it if it's something God prompted Paul to pray for. Wow...

God... my God, I want to know more of You, more of Your love. I want to fall in love with you... every day. And I want to BE in love with you every day, doing what is hard, and doing it for you. Thank you for this love, which I am keenly aware I do not deserve... which I can never deserve. Thank you for not allowing my ache to be filled with the things I try to fill it with. I want to melt when I hear your voice... to always be ready and eager to hear it. I need You God... I need You. I still have questions, I still have aches... but I know why now. I come to you to give answers when the time is right, and to fill me as only You can.

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:1,3,8

There are a lot of random thoughts on this issue in this blog, and hopefully some truth. However, I really think Tami hits the nail on the head when she explains it... so you should check out her blog. :)

Job Well Done My Friend...?


Last night I ran the board for a baseball game at work. (Which basically means I was at the radio station, the sport’s director was at the baseball diamond announcing the game, and together we worked to make everything sound like it fits… commercials, introductions, the game... etc.) It took me back to a night a few months ago, to another baseball game. That night, as I was frantically pushing buttons and turning dials, timing things out, trying to do everything just right, I wondered, "Why am I trying to make everything just so?" I tell myself it's because I want to do a good job and glorify God through my work, so as to be a good testimony. But something happened that night that made me wonder… is that just my way of sugar coating things? What’s really going on here? Oftentimes at the end of a game, and sometimes during, the sport director will say, “thanks to our studio engineer, Kara Bird (or AJ McNeal, who does most of the games)…” and then these words, “Job well done my friend.” The game had just barely started, but I was surprised to find myself waiting to hear those words. I didn’t understand exactly how much I was waiting for them until… it happened. I made a mistake. I wasn’t on top of things. It wasn’t perfect. I made us sound bad. I was crushed. Thoughts began to tumble around in my mind, “How could you do that? You’re so incompetent. You’re so lazy. You messed up! What will this do to your testimony? You’re not really getting any better… look at you. In fact, you’re getting worse!” In my mind I imagined how upset the sport’s director probably was with me, (though I had absolutely no support for this thought besides my suppositions.) In the back of my mind the nasty whisper surfaced, “Now he won’t say it… you’ve failed.” Amazing how my mind can turn a single snowflake into an avalanche. I sat there staring at the board, practically numb, wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why is this so important?” I was placing so much emphasis on the approval of other people, so much of my identity… my security on what they thought of me, whoever they happened to be at the time. That night, those five little words seemed to represent the compressed weight of all the approval I was aching for from everyone around me. But when is it enough? When do I stop needing the affirmation? How long does it last? Does there come a point where I’m finally “okay”? As I continued to stare blankly at the sound board and listen to the crack of the bat as it came in contact with the ball, I felt as if my insides were splintering. As I sat there in this pathetic state, a whisper from a different place came quietly to my soul to rescue me, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I stopped and turned those words over in my mind, surprised how similar they were to the words I was straining to hear. Maybe there was something in that crack of the bat which jerked me back to reality, making me remember those words I had so often heard in Sunday School… or not. I believe God answered me as I sat there torn up over such a seemingly small incident, praying desperately, “God please, sustain me.” Well done… good and faithful servant. While my desire for human approval is natural, only what is supernatural will sustain me. What must it be like to stand before God and hear those words? I can only imagine. As I think of all the approval I ache for, this is what I want to hunger for more every day: to hear my Lord say, “Job well done my friend.” I don’t have this figured out yet… and I still struggle with my desire for human approval on a daily… no moment by moment basis. But… it gives me incredible peace to realize that God is on my side. He is the one who is helping me, guiding me, picking me up out of the mud, and He is not ashamed of me… I belong to Him.

Psalm 54:4 “Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.”

Hebrews 13:20-21 "May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever..."

Transform my thoughts Lord. Keep whispering your truth to my heart to combat the lies I blindly believe. Help me keep You at the forefront as I live each moment. Although I see I still struggle with this… more often than I would like to say, thank you that I am accepted and loved by you, no matter how much I mess up, let you down, or forget you. I’m reminded of a song… “I belong to you apart from the things I do. I’m in awe of why you do the things you do.” Thanks again Lord.

What do you think?

Irksomeness

Have you ever been irked? You know... the state of being driven nuts by something or (surely not) someone. (Not from Webster by the way.) I believe in the South they say, "That just flew all over me." No? Well it happens to me. People always ask me, "You have red hair... do you have a fiery temper?" I always smile sweetly and say something like, "No not really." Ha! Denial is not a river in Egypt. Several times this week... actually mostly in one day, I was in quite a state "irksomeness". Early in the day I had plans to write about being thankful for my next post. (I was going for the warm fuzzies.) The day was clipping along fine until... people showed up. No really... I'm serious. I love people, as you saw from my first blog... sometimes I just don't know how to... well you know... live with them. People are great but they're also... well... irksome (myself included). I was around a group of them for one afternoon for a while, and after about an hour I kind of felt like running and hiding in a hole or something. Everywhere I turned I felt irked by something they said or did. Finally I said to myself, "Self... something is not right." So I did run away for a few minutes to talk to God and say, "What's the problem here." (Of course it must be their problem right? It couldn't be me. I have a right to be irked! What's wrong with these people!) However... today as I was sitting and reading in Proverbs, I read these words. "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects a man." Mentally I kind of cringed. I knew that was for me. My heart wasn't reflecting such pretty images at the moment. The things that are in my heart aren't reflecting the kind of woman I want to be. As I thought about that verse, seemingly out of nowhere I thought of 1 Corinthians 13. Oh yeah... love. I thought to myself as I recalled my reaction, both inwardly and outwardly to those people. With each word I read, I saw myself... in the opposite way. You know how they always tell you to substitute your name for love in this verse? You couldn't have done that with my name.

13:4-8
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Honestly I looked at each one of those and thought, "Kara is not patient, is not kind..." and so on. And what about easily angered? Might we say, "Is not easily irked?" Oy vey... I have a bigger anger problem than I thought.

So once again Lord, I see that I fall short of the standard you have laid out. Your love has never been anything but "patient, kind,..." and all of these things to me. Teach me how to love people... how to really love them as you love me. How can I take from you and refuse to give the same back to the people in my life? I do not deserve your love or theirs Lord. Forgive me for my irksomeness... for the things I do that irk you. Help me live to bring joy to your heart and not pain. And help me live with my eyes that see my brother's and sister's needs and not just my own. Thank you for your love, which never fails... even when I do.

God wants... me?


We were talking about trials at Bible Study a few nights ago, and someone said something which I had heard before many times, but this time it made me do a double take. They said, “Ultimately, isn’t everything God allows to happen in our life for the purpose of drawing us closer to Him?” As I sat there nodding my agreement, I stopped and thought about what they just said. God wants me to come closer to Him? We always seem to say this with a sigh of resignation whenever we talk about it, “I know God is using this to draw me closer to Him but…” At least that’s usually how I tend to picture it. But stop and think about that for a minute. God wants me to be close to Him? What if the hard times in my day and life are His way of saying, “Come closer… I miss you… I desire you. Talk to me… please... let me speak to your bruised and battered heart.” I wonder if I would look at my trials and inconveniences differently if I saw them this way; if I saw God standing there whispering, “I love you… come to me.” I feel like I’m just repeating what my wiser friends have already communicated in different words… or the same words… but I was just so amazed at the thought I had to write it out to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. God wants me? And not because of who I am… but because that’s how deep his love is. I let out a different sigh now… one of relief… because His heart for me will never change.

Matthew 11:28
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.”

P.S. What do you think?

A PRAYER

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today. Not the shiny kind that hang on the wall and tell you you need to work out a little more. (Although I have those too.) No... a different mirror... God's Word.

"That can't be me." I thought... but I looked again. It was me. I saw things that could never be covered up with just a litle more makeup. I saw my selfishness, pride, insecurity, critical spirit, fear, worry, anger... and then I had to look away because it was too much.

"So much for that Lord. I thought you could use me but look how mangled I am. I'm filthy and slimy, and probably a little stinky too. Forgive me Lord... I'm all messed up again"

Kara... look again.

"I can't Lord it's too horrible! I thought I could do this but I just keep messing up! I can't do anything right," I whined as I squeezed my eyes shut in determination.

Look again.

I opened up one eye cautiously... and the picture had changed. Written on the mirror now were these words...

"for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust... but from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him," Psalm 103:14,17

I see... that's me Lord... just dust. Thank you for your mercy, which I can never deserve. Can you clean me up Lord? "create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me,"

1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Thank you God

PEOPLE


One of the most interesting things in this world to think about, observe, and experience, is people. People are complex, yet so many of the things we struggle with can be traced back to the same root. People are fulfilling, and people are draining. People are individual. How often do I really stop and think about the unique hopes, dreams, scars, hurts, and special personality under that pretty face, that confident façade or that terrified mask? Aren’t first impressions funny? Just yesterday a friend and I were discussing our first impressions of each other the first time we met. We were both intimidated and thought we’d never be able to have a conversation with each other or be friends. Of course now we can laugh at these first impressions and see we were quite wrong. I wonder how often we miss the amazing experience of really knowing someone and watching the Master Artist at work as He begins or perfects another one of His masterpieces because we are too proud, too scared, too whatever to go any deeper. What an amazing thing to even have the privilege of being a part of that process… even if that just means watching, praying, and enjoying. So for my very first blog entry… I would like to openly admire God’s handiwork in all the people in my life. And if you are reading this, most likely you are one of those people. (Thanks for stopping by… by the way.) I am so glad God put you in my life, and I so enjoy watching Him as He continues to add special touches to the canvases and symphonies of your lives, or maybe as He is just beginning. Job well done God!

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”